I F*@%^ing Hate the Theatre

I am a university student. I love reading. I subscribe to the Globe and Mail. I like to consider myself well-educated...but I would much, much rather see a movie than go to the theatre.

Yesterday, as part of the Fringe Festival (and I really do endorse the idea of the Fringe), I saw a play. And it was terrible. The premise (a new take on the classic story of Little Red Riding Hood) seemed promising...until we found out that the "new take" was French structuralism. Cue endless pontification by the characters, incomprehensible metaphors from the very French and frankly psychopathic Monsieur Woolf, and, worst of all, endless references to the idiosyncrasies of obscure French structuralism theorists! (And, to the smug literary jerks students sitting behind me, laughing at every joke like it was Russell Peters doing an impression of his father, shut up. Everyone knows you didn't understand the play either.)

Let me clarify: Reification? Signifiers? Existentialist expressions of zero? NONE OF THAT SHIT BELONGS IN A COMEDY!

I'm not going to name the play because I don't want to single it out...let's face it, there's so much bad theatre out there, there is no reason to pretend the terrible-ness of this play in particular was extraordinary or unusual.

This brings me to my next point: movies.
As I've mentioned, I'm pretty sure I'm well-educated, at least compared to most others my age, and yet? Most theatre does not appeal to me. Theatre just tries too hard a lot of the time. It tries to tackle big topics and big crises, to be somehow more real than real life, to leave a lasting message with the audience, to show off how much smarter and more refined and more sophisticated it is than the crass popular media.

The problem with this mindset is that the popular media are so called because they are liked by many. Multi-million-dollar movies produced by big-name filmhouses are designed specifically to appeal to as many people as possible - that's how they make their money. When I watch a movie, I am fully aware that I am being manipulated by the sound track, the special effects, the imagery, and the dialogue, into having certain feelings...and I'm okay with that! I watch movies to be entertained: movies that I enjoy are successful in entertaining me and others because they were specifically engineered to be liked by a broad range of people.

Theatre, beyond obvious mass-appeal shows such as Phantom of the Opera or musicals, doesn't seem to share this goal. Rather than skilfully eliciting desired responses from the audience through the story, acting, and technical aspects, much of theatre seems to be designed to confuse, condescend, and betray. That's why I'd prefer to watch Made of Honor over Man of Mode.