THE NEWS

RUSSIAN BOMBERS FLY NEAR CANADA AND DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
On Wednesday, two Russian bombers flew into the "buffer zone" off the coast of Labrador ("up North" for those of you who are non-Canadian or simply have the same poor grasp of geography I have). In response, the Canadian military dispatched two fighter jets to shadow the Russian planes. After awhile, the Russians flew away.

Let's break this down:

1) The Conservatives have labelled this situation a "crisis", even though this apparently happens twelve to eighteen times a year.

2) The Conservatives immediately turned this situation into a political ploy to prove that Canada needs the new F-35 fighter jets they've ordered.

3) The Minister of Defence, Peter MacKay, immediately denied that the Conservatives were turning the situation (aka "crisis") into a political ploy to get new jets.

4) Peter MacKay also said this about the implication of political shoehorning: "I find it astounding there could be any suggestion that we would manufacture Russians approaching our airspace." Um, nobody suggested that, MacKay. We were only saying you guys are using an incident to bootstrap your new fighter jet program, not that you'd invented the Russians' arrival. Suspicious much?
This kind of reminds me of 30 Rock:
"Jenna, security called..."
"That's ridiculous! Why would I steal a file from HR?"
"What? Security called to tell us that our old friend Claire is downstairs."
"Oh. Right."

Now just replace "Jenna" with "Pete" and "Claire" with "political pandering" and "steal a file" with "invent some Russians", and you've got a good summary of Canadian politics. Did I mention that the Russians didn't actually do anything while they were flying around near our airspace? Yup, this is what passes for a crisis around here.

VIC TOEWS THINKS HE IS STILL THE JUSTICE MINISTER. WHICH HE IS NOT.
Apparently, the greatest miscarriage of justice that has EVER occurred in this country has nothing to do with Karla Homolka's release from prison, or the dozens of innocent men and women who were wrongly convicted, or the fact that Romeo Phillion is like ninety years old and still has to go through another trial to prove his innocence. No, according to Vic Toews, the former Justice Minister who is now in charge of Public Safety but seems blissfully unaware of this fact, believes that the "biggest mistake in criminal law...ever made" is that time back in 1983 when the word "rape" was changed to "sexual assault".

Okay, the reason that was changed in the first place is because "sexual assault" covers more crimes than "rape". "Rape" is a narrow word with a narrow definition. "Sexual assault" acknowledges that there are more illegal intrusions that can be made on a person's body besides forced penetrative intercourse. Vic Toews apparently was not satisfied with this arrangement, so he told a Senate committee that they needed to bring the word "rape" back. The Senate promptly ignored him (and, one can only hope, reminded him of his cabinet position). Go back to stop signs, Toews. "Rape" died with disco.