They make measuring spoons. This is not catastrophic. What is catastrophic is that these measuring spoons are made for a pinch, a dash, and a smidgen.
This is not cute. This is an abomination. And I don't just mean these particular spoons. I have nothing against them especially. I mean ALL spoons that standardize non-standard measurements. The whole point of the dash and the pinch was that they represented measurements you could "eyeball"--a dash was one pass of a shaker, a pinch was literally the amount you could pinch between your fingers.
WHY MAKE SPOONS FOR THAT? THESE MEASUREMENTS REPRESENT A TIME BEFORE SPOONS! STOP THE COMMODIFICATION OF THE PINCH!
Thursday 28 August 2008
Tuesday 26 August 2008
Dear Tony Clement:
This may have escaped your notice, Sir, but you are not, in fact, a doctor. So shut up--about the safe injection site in particular, but shutting up about everything would be an appreciated bonus.
We are talking about people here, bro. Now, I'm sure you don't consider drug addicts as people. You think of them as a problem that you have to solve. And if you can solve the problem while pushing your party's agenda, so much the better, right? Wrong.
I don't care what you personally think about the safe-injection site--in fact, I'm not so sure you can think. I care what you are professionally and publicly thinking about the safe-injection site. You think to yourself, "My party believes in a War on Drugs", and you use these suffering people as your pawns. You think because you are a card-carrying Conservative that you have to react to every health-related situation with a knee-jerk response full of Conservative values. This may make you a great politician. Unfortunately, it also makes you a terrible human being.
I won't even discuss the things you say to deride the safe-injection site, because I find them laughably stupid and illogical. But I am sick of seeing you in my paper, running off at the mouth in various locations across the globe, saying the same thing.
This is a serious issue, bud, not just a press conference to show off how much you know about your party's platform. So do everyone a favour--grab a nice big piece of duct tape, and stick 'er right over your mouth. See now, isn't that better?
We are talking about people here, bro. Now, I'm sure you don't consider drug addicts as people. You think of them as a problem that you have to solve. And if you can solve the problem while pushing your party's agenda, so much the better, right? Wrong.
I don't care what you personally think about the safe-injection site--in fact, I'm not so sure you can think. I care what you are professionally and publicly thinking about the safe-injection site. You think to yourself, "My party believes in a War on Drugs", and you use these suffering people as your pawns. You think because you are a card-carrying Conservative that you have to react to every health-related situation with a knee-jerk response full of Conservative values. This may make you a great politician. Unfortunately, it also makes you a terrible human being.
I won't even discuss the things you say to deride the safe-injection site, because I find them laughably stupid and illogical. But I am sick of seeing you in my paper, running off at the mouth in various locations across the globe, saying the same thing.
This is a serious issue, bud, not just a press conference to show off how much you know about your party's platform. So do everyone a favour--grab a nice big piece of duct tape, and stick 'er right over your mouth. See now, isn't that better?
I told you a litre was less than a gallon!
There's a simple rule I generally like to live by. I call it my "If you don't like it, don't do it" rule.
It applies to lots of stuff. Don't like abortions? Don't get one. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't like raw milk? DON'T EFFING DRINK IT.
According to a book I'm reading, Gina Mallet's Last Chance to Eat, unpasteurized milk was banned in 1949. The government decided that, because raw milk was not safe for some people (the very old, the very young, and those with weak immune systems) to drink, NOBODY would be allowed to drink it. I find this principle stupid, but hey.
This would have been fine, so long as the government stuck to this principle for all foods. But they did not. I notice on my bottle of (admittedly delicious) organic honey that the word "UNPASTEURIZED" is prominently displayed, as well as a warning that it should not be fed to children under one year of age because it isn't safe for them to eat it.
So essentially, the government has banned one food because not everyone can eat it if it is unpasteurized, but allowed another.
Make no mistake--I am not advocating that honey be pasteurized (if such a thing is even possible), but rather that, on the flip side, people who wish to drink or sell unpasteurized milk be left the hell alone.
It applies to lots of stuff. Don't like abortions? Don't get one. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't like raw milk? DON'T EFFING DRINK IT.
According to a book I'm reading, Gina Mallet's Last Chance to Eat, unpasteurized milk was banned in 1949. The government decided that, because raw milk was not safe for some people (the very old, the very young, and those with weak immune systems) to drink, NOBODY would be allowed to drink it. I find this principle stupid, but hey.
This would have been fine, so long as the government stuck to this principle for all foods. But they did not. I notice on my bottle of (admittedly delicious) organic honey that the word "UNPASTEURIZED" is prominently displayed, as well as a warning that it should not be fed to children under one year of age because it isn't safe for them to eat it.
So essentially, the government has banned one food because not everyone can eat it if it is unpasteurized, but allowed another.
Make no mistake--I am not advocating that honey be pasteurized (if such a thing is even possible), but rather that, on the flip side, people who wish to drink or sell unpasteurized milk be left the hell alone.
Sunday 24 August 2008
I hear the ticking of the clock.
YUSUF ISLAM:
I always feel a little bit bad listening to Cat Steven's music. I mean, he did ask for its distribution to cease. But it's kind of his fault, isn't it? Since his music is just so good?
DEAR IDIOTS:
You know what the speed limit is on King-Vaughan line? Here's a hint: It's NOT sixty, which is what the majority of you insist on doing. It's eighty. I don't care if you have trailer. It's 5:30 am--I should not have to be dealing with bad drivers at this ungodly hour. If I wanted to do sixty, I'd be on Kirby.
Oh, and also? If you're turning right off of Keele, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Know why? Because I have a stop sign and you don't. So STOP slowing down to 2 klicks and waiting for me to go, because one of these days, I am going to rip ahead of you and you're probably not going to like that. LET'S GET IT GOING, BITCHES!
I always feel a little bit bad listening to Cat Steven's music. I mean, he did ask for its distribution to cease. But it's kind of his fault, isn't it? Since his music is just so good?
DEAR IDIOTS:
You know what the speed limit is on King-Vaughan line? Here's a hint: It's NOT sixty, which is what the majority of you insist on doing. It's eighty. I don't care if you have trailer. It's 5:30 am--I should not have to be dealing with bad drivers at this ungodly hour. If I wanted to do sixty, I'd be on Kirby.
Oh, and also? If you're turning right off of Keele, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Know why? Because I have a stop sign and you don't. So STOP slowing down to 2 klicks and waiting for me to go, because one of these days, I am going to rip ahead of you and you're probably not going to like that. LET'S GET IT GOING, BITCHES!
Wednesday 20 August 2008
The Deserted Island
This is probably my most frivolous rant yet, which isn't saying much because I've only got five posts to date, including this one. But I digress.
Yesterday, I got a little irked when I opened the Liberal (which is trash anyway, and needs a copy editor STAT), and saw the typical "profile of an overachieving student" laid out on page three, complete with sidebar of supposedly interesting tidbits about the student in question. Like real newspapers, the Liberal likes to use a "complete the sentence" format to elicit these details. This includes the standard "My favourite food is...", "My greatest asset is..." and, of course, the dreaded "Three things I would take to a deserted island are..."
Listen up, people. STOP saying stupid stuff like "food" and "water" in response to this question. The reason this question is asked is because we're trying to learn more about your personality via what is most precious to you, not prove that you passed the third grade and know that humans need water.
For example, here's what I would take:
1. My violin
2. Season 4 of House
3. Sushi
What does this tell you about me? That I like music and value my instrument highly, that I think House is really funny, and that I both enjoy sushi enough to eat it for the rest of my life, and have no respect for food safety (Maybe it's a cold deserted island).
When someone answers "food", "water", or "a life raft", they are undermining the very purpose of the question. You aren't auditioning for Survivor, people! We aren't testing to see if you know which basics are vital to life! We want your personality--so far, all you've shown us is that you're NOT FUNNY! Unlike House.
Yesterday, I got a little irked when I opened the Liberal (which is trash anyway, and needs a copy editor STAT), and saw the typical "profile of an overachieving student" laid out on page three, complete with sidebar of supposedly interesting tidbits about the student in question. Like real newspapers, the Liberal likes to use a "complete the sentence" format to elicit these details. This includes the standard "My favourite food is...", "My greatest asset is..." and, of course, the dreaded "Three things I would take to a deserted island are..."
Listen up, people. STOP saying stupid stuff like "food" and "water" in response to this question. The reason this question is asked is because we're trying to learn more about your personality via what is most precious to you, not prove that you passed the third grade and know that humans need water.
For example, here's what I would take:
1. My violin
2. Season 4 of House
3. Sushi
What does this tell you about me? That I like music and value my instrument highly, that I think House is really funny, and that I both enjoy sushi enough to eat it for the rest of my life, and have no respect for food safety (Maybe it's a cold deserted island).
When someone answers "food", "water", or "a life raft", they are undermining the very purpose of the question. You aren't auditioning for Survivor, people! We aren't testing to see if you know which basics are vital to life! We want your personality--so far, all you've shown us is that you're NOT FUNNY! Unlike House.
Tuesday 19 August 2008
Enough about China!
Listen up, people.
I am sick of opening up the Globe and Mail every damn day and seeing about some new piece of superficial fakery China pulled in an effort to present a seamless image during the Olympics.
YES, China has done some bad shit. YES, forcing homeless people and ethnic minorities away from the capital, among other things, was typical heavy-handed freaking out. But seriously. This is getting excessive. Do you think we're going to be so happy when the Olympics are in Vancouver and everyone's pulling these stunts with us? VANOC is already feeling the pinch with the recent landslide on the Sea-to-Sky. So let's all shut up, before that nation-sized magnifying glass shifts its gaze to us.
I am sick of opening up the Globe and Mail every damn day and seeing about some new piece of superficial fakery China pulled in an effort to present a seamless image during the Olympics.
YES, China has done some bad shit. YES, forcing homeless people and ethnic minorities away from the capital, among other things, was typical heavy-handed freaking out. But seriously. This is getting excessive. Do you think we're going to be so happy when the Olympics are in Vancouver and everyone's pulling these stunts with us? VANOC is already feeling the pinch with the recent landslide on the Sea-to-Sky. So let's all shut up, before that nation-sized magnifying glass shifts its gaze to us.
"If you're sixteen, I'll eat my pants!"
Sister: Well, I'm sorry, but I have to run the company while Pat's on his "honeymoon".
Me: Don't act like you're sorry when you're not. It's annoying.
Sister: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
Sister: For your information, I am sorry!
Me: No, you're not. You said, "I'm sorry, but..." That's not an apology. That's an apologia.
Sister: You're an apologia.
Me: ...
Seriously. How can I respond to this kind of a comment? There is no rational response to this type of argument. (P.S. Despite all appearances to the contrary, my sister is, in fact, eighteen).
Me: Don't act like you're sorry when you're not. It's annoying.
Sister: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
Sister: For your information, I am sorry!
Me: No, you're not. You said, "I'm sorry, but..." That's not an apology. That's an apologia.
Sister: You're an apologia.
Me: ...
Seriously. How can I respond to this kind of a comment? There is no rational response to this type of argument. (P.S. Despite all appearances to the contrary, my sister is, in fact, eighteen).
Sunday 17 August 2008
"Bitches, that's harrassment."
COLLECTED WISDOM:
What I've noticed over the past week:
1. Plans with the word "pact" in them are usually bad ideas.
2. Innocence is just another term for naivete, and not desirable in the least past the age of ten.
3. You should never ask for a trial by jury. Remember, you're not being tried by a jury of your peers, you're being tried by a jury of people too stupid to figure out how to get out of jury duty.
What I've noticed over the past week:
1. Plans with the word "pact" in them are usually bad ideas.
2. Innocence is just another term for naivete, and not desirable in the least past the age of ten.
3. You should never ask for a trial by jury. Remember, you're not being tried by a jury of your peers, you're being tried by a jury of people too stupid to figure out how to get out of jury duty.
"Seriously? You have daughters".
Hello new blogging family.
I started paring down my friends list on LiveJournal and grew sad that so few people were able to read my brilliance, so I made a new blog. That's all.
WORKING:
I work in landscape at an amusement park. I'm pretty sure I can get fired for saying which one.
I don't even have to work with the public, and I'm getting irritated with it. Most people are okay. They ask for directions, I give them the directions, they smile and wander off, sometimes even following those selfsame directions.
Some people are more annoying.
Me: [lifting clumps of turf we ripped out of a tree well into a wheelbarrow].
Some chick picnicking with her family: There's dust.
Me: [still shoveling sod]
Chick: Yes, hello, I'm talking to you.
Me: Yes, ma'am?
Chick: You're spilling dust on me and my family.
Me: I'm sorry, ma'am. The earth on this sod is quite dry, and the wind is blowing in your direction.
Chick: But you're dusting us.
Me: Ma'am, I can't leave these piles here.
Chick: Okay, but you can't just come here and spill dust on us!
Me: I understand that this is a momentary discomfort to you, but what can I do? I can't change the direction of the wind, or the fact that the earth is dry. And I have to pick this sod up.
Chick: You're dusting on me! You're not allowed to dust on me!
Me: Ma'am, according to the Criminal Code, I'm also not allowed to shiv you with this rake. And yet? Here I am, poised to do it!
Okay, obviously I didn't say that last thing. Althought I did get a "needs improvement" on my interim evaluation in the Guest Service section, so I might as well have done it.
My point here being that this obnoxious "The Customer is Always Right" attitude is reaching gargantuan and preposterous heights. This is a good lesson for all of us: the next time you're prepared to flex some customer muscle, think: is there something the person you're about to railroad can actually DO for you?
This would solve at least half of my problems, anyway.
I started paring down my friends list on LiveJournal and grew sad that so few people were able to read my brilliance, so I made a new blog. That's all.
WORKING:
I work in landscape at an amusement park. I'm pretty sure I can get fired for saying which one.
I don't even have to work with the public, and I'm getting irritated with it. Most people are okay. They ask for directions, I give them the directions, they smile and wander off, sometimes even following those selfsame directions.
Some people are more annoying.
Me: [lifting clumps of turf we ripped out of a tree well into a wheelbarrow].
Some chick picnicking with her family: There's dust.
Me: [still shoveling sod]
Chick: Yes, hello, I'm talking to you.
Me: Yes, ma'am?
Chick: You're spilling dust on me and my family.
Me: I'm sorry, ma'am. The earth on this sod is quite dry, and the wind is blowing in your direction.
Chick: But you're dusting us.
Me: Ma'am, I can't leave these piles here.
Chick: Okay, but you can't just come here and spill dust on us!
Me: I understand that this is a momentary discomfort to you, but what can I do? I can't change the direction of the wind, or the fact that the earth is dry. And I have to pick this sod up.
Chick: You're dusting on me! You're not allowed to dust on me!
Me: Ma'am, according to the Criminal Code, I'm also not allowed to shiv you with this rake. And yet? Here I am, poised to do it!
Okay, obviously I didn't say that last thing. Althought I did get a "needs improvement" on my interim evaluation in the Guest Service section, so I might as well have done it.
My point here being that this obnoxious "The Customer is Always Right" attitude is reaching gargantuan and preposterous heights. This is a good lesson for all of us: the next time you're prepared to flex some customer muscle, think: is there something the person you're about to railroad can actually DO for you?
This would solve at least half of my problems, anyway.
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