(Just to be 100% clear, I was absolutely being sarcastic in this post).

So I don't know if it's the recent election or the fact that Katy Perry is climbing the charts again, but discussion about "The Gays" keeps popping up in some way or another on almost every Internet site in the globosphere, usually apropos of nothing.

Let's clear up one thing here: Parents, you need to stop accusing the schools of making your kids gay by teaching them about "alternative lifestyles". This is YOUR responsility--YOU NEED TO TRY HARDER TO MAKE THEM STRAIGHT.

First of all, Momma should wear dresses and heels and stay in the kitchen; Daddy should go to work and always, always wear a tie. And a little slug of scotch before dinner, after dinner, before bed, in the morning...well, that's manly, right? Anyway.
Now, I KNOW you're already carefully monitoring the television for inappropriate content--not letting your kids watch SpongeBob, or that episode of Buster's Postcards where he visits a house in the sugarbush and remarks "Wow, that's a lot of mommies!" (note to self: firebomb Vermont), but I can't stress this enough--CONSTANT VIGILANCE. You never know when Ernie and Bert are gonna slip onto the old S. Street, and the next thing you know, your son is making creme brulee and putting up pictures of boy bands in his room. And don't ease up when they get older--then there are bigger problems to contend with, like music videos. Not only did they kill the sweet and talented Radio Star (God rest his soul), they are like GAY MACHINES. Seriously! I know, like, TWO girls who watch MuchMusic AND who are lesbians. I don't see how much clearer this could be!
So, in sum, remember--be a good role model and protect your child from "the gays" and their agenda--'cause if you don't, it is ALL YOUR FAULT when they turn gay.

KEEP NORTH AMERICA STRAIGHT!