My favourite part of Othello, shortly after the titular character smothers Desdemona with a pillow (spoiler alert!) and the maid Emilia finds her breathing her last:
EMILIA
123 Oh no, you're dying, Desdemona! Who did this to you?
DESDEMONA
124 Nobody. I did it. Peace out.
[she dies]
OTHELLO
125 Crap, why is she dead?
EMILIA
126 Dunno.
OTHELLO
127 Well, like she said, I didn't do it.
EMILIA
128 She did say that.
OTHELLO
129 ...She's a big liar, I definitely killed her!
EMILIA
130 Aw, you're an a-hole!
Showing posts with label totally unnecessary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label totally unnecessary. Show all posts
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
YOUTH CULTURE FOR THE LOSE
I REACT TO THE TOP 15
I occasionally like to check out the MM(M) Top 10/15/20 to keep just enough on top of current music that my students can make fun of me for being so "mainstream". So, I braved the first top 15 of 2012:
1. Domino (Jessie J): Remember that time when Jessie J put out Do it Like a Dude and pretty much told the world that they could listen to her stuff or kiss her gargantuan balls? Yeah, I miss that time. What's with the downturn into bland synthpop, man?
2. Sprawl II (The Arcade Fire): Shit, I hate the Arcade Fire
3. Michigan Left (The Arkells): Didn't I JUST listen to this song?
4. Love on Top (Beyonce): As much as I love a woman in a ringmaster's jacket, there is no reason funk guitar should be anywhere near this video. Or music in general.
5. Party (Beyonce): Apparently this 90s-diva thing is the intended feel for the record. Hey, at least it seems more wholesome than some of the other stuff on this list. Oh wait, what's that? "So tonight/I'll do it every way/knockin' till the morning light"? Never mind.
6. It Will Rain (Bruno Mars): Is this the guy that did that stupid "Lazy Song"? I'm putting a hit out on this kid's head.
7. Hit Me Up (Danny Fernandes): All right, this is what I'm talking about! Get rid of whoever's singing, dial up the bass, and this is sheer dancehall.
8. Don't Stop (Foster the People): I don't know. Like Franz Ferdinand, only fuzzier. Is "shitty speakers" a mix effect now?
9. One Life (Hedley): "We been up when we should have been sleeping". Exactly. Rock out responsibly, kids. Even Hedley says you should.
10. The One that Got Away (Katy Perry): So maudlin. Obviously ghost-written by me.
11. Stronger (Kelly Clarkson): Don't break up with Kelly Clarkson 'cause she will write a kick-ass song about how she doesn't need you and then who's going to be sorry?
12. Marry the Night (Lady Gaga): I don't know, guys. I'm just not crazy about this Gaga single. I'm not feeling it.
13. It (Rich Aucoin): Son, you need a shave, and your music video consists entirely of you badly reenacting scenes from famous movies.
I like you.
Seriously, though. Like, do you need a razor or something? If you're not good with blades, I can get you an electric one.
14. Our Day Will Come (Amy Winehouse): Like I'd talk shit about Winehouse even if I didn't love this track, which I do. But, Amy-girl, if we can learn anything from Back to Black and your untimely death, it's that it's much safer to love blow than puff.
15. Stand Behind the Music (Anjulie): This girl had better be twenty-one or younger. Otherwise this bad-girl screw-the-industry rant veers from charmingly brash into wake-the-hell-up territory.
Conclusion: BAD NEWS, KIDS. Most of your shit sounds exactly the same. Someone bring me a Tommy James and the Shondells LP.
I occasionally like to check out the MM(M) Top 10/15/20 to keep just enough on top of current music that my students can make fun of me for being so "mainstream". So, I braved the first top 15 of 2012:
1. Domino (Jessie J): Remember that time when Jessie J put out Do it Like a Dude and pretty much told the world that they could listen to her stuff or kiss her gargantuan balls? Yeah, I miss that time. What's with the downturn into bland synthpop, man?
2. Sprawl II (The Arcade Fire): Shit, I hate the Arcade Fire
3. Michigan Left (The Arkells): Didn't I JUST listen to this song?
4. Love on Top (Beyonce): As much as I love a woman in a ringmaster's jacket, there is no reason funk guitar should be anywhere near this video. Or music in general.
5. Party (Beyonce): Apparently this 90s-diva thing is the intended feel for the record. Hey, at least it seems more wholesome than some of the other stuff on this list. Oh wait, what's that? "So tonight/I'll do it every way/knockin' till the morning light"? Never mind.
6. It Will Rain (Bruno Mars): Is this the guy that did that stupid "Lazy Song"? I'm putting a hit out on this kid's head.
7. Hit Me Up (Danny Fernandes): All right, this is what I'm talking about! Get rid of whoever's singing, dial up the bass, and this is sheer dancehall.
8. Don't Stop (Foster the People): I don't know. Like Franz Ferdinand, only fuzzier. Is "shitty speakers" a mix effect now?
9. One Life (Hedley): "We been up when we should have been sleeping". Exactly. Rock out responsibly, kids. Even Hedley says you should.
10. The One that Got Away (Katy Perry): So maudlin. Obviously ghost-written by me.
11. Stronger (Kelly Clarkson): Don't break up with Kelly Clarkson 'cause she will write a kick-ass song about how she doesn't need you and then who's going to be sorry?
12. Marry the Night (Lady Gaga): I don't know, guys. I'm just not crazy about this Gaga single. I'm not feeling it.
13. It (Rich Aucoin): Son, you need a shave, and your music video consists entirely of you badly reenacting scenes from famous movies.
I like you.
Seriously, though. Like, do you need a razor or something? If you're not good with blades, I can get you an electric one.
14. Our Day Will Come (Amy Winehouse): Like I'd talk shit about Winehouse even if I didn't love this track, which I do. But, Amy-girl, if we can learn anything from Back to Black and your untimely death, it's that it's much safer to love blow than puff.
15. Stand Behind the Music (Anjulie): This girl had better be twenty-one or younger. Otherwise this bad-girl screw-the-industry rant veers from charmingly brash into wake-the-hell-up territory.
Conclusion: BAD NEWS, KIDS. Most of your shit sounds exactly the same. Someone bring me a Tommy James and the Shondells LP.
Monday, 22 June 2009
A set of haiku, in honour of my bicycle seat
Oh seat of my bike:
Touched with my hand, you feel soft;
My butt disagrees.
Lean forward, lean back:
No position is comfy.
I ride home in pain.
Thanks to the seat nose
all chance of reproduction*
is lost to me now.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bicycle_saddle#Crotch_pressure
Touched with my hand, you feel soft;
My butt disagrees.
Lean forward, lean back:
No position is comfy.
I ride home in pain.
Thanks to the seat nose
all chance of reproduction*
is lost to me now.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bicycle_saddle#Crotch_pressure
Thursday, 19 March 2009
THE VIOLIN:
Ryan Mills' thoughts on violins:
Do you have a Stradivarius? No. Oh. So does it even have those S-shaped holes?
--Those are F-holes, Mills.
Really? They look like "S"s to me. Doesn't S stand for Stradivarius? You know, his name used to be Tadivarius. He changed it to Stradivarius because of the holes. The S-holes.
Do you have a Stradivarius? No. Oh. So does it even have those S-shaped holes?
--Those are F-holes, Mills.
Really? They look like "S"s to me. Doesn't S stand for Stradivarius? You know, his name used to be Tadivarius. He changed it to Stradivarius because of the holes. The S-holes.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Why I love biology:
There are just so many questions to ask!
"How exactly did they hold the toads' mouths shut?"
"Why did they take them out on a battleship to torture them?"
"So if we eat parasites, I won't have allergies?"
"How can I use gene manipulation to grow myself a sixth finger? No, really. I need it to play La Campanella."
"How exactly did they hold the toads' mouths shut?"
"Why did they take them out on a battleship to torture them?"
"So if we eat parasites, I won't have allergies?"
"How can I use gene manipulation to grow myself a sixth finger? No, really. I need it to play La Campanella."
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Just a pinch
They make measuring spoons. This is not catastrophic. What is catastrophic is that these measuring spoons are made for a pinch, a dash, and a smidgen.
This is not cute. This is an abomination. And I don't just mean these particular spoons. I have nothing against them especially. I mean ALL spoons that standardize non-standard measurements. The whole point of the dash and the pinch was that they represented measurements you could "eyeball"--a dash was one pass of a shaker, a pinch was literally the amount you could pinch between your fingers.
WHY MAKE SPOONS FOR THAT? THESE MEASUREMENTS REPRESENT A TIME BEFORE SPOONS! STOP THE COMMODIFICATION OF THE PINCH!
This is not cute. This is an abomination. And I don't just mean these particular spoons. I have nothing against them especially. I mean ALL spoons that standardize non-standard measurements. The whole point of the dash and the pinch was that they represented measurements you could "eyeball"--a dash was one pass of a shaker, a pinch was literally the amount you could pinch between your fingers.
WHY MAKE SPOONS FOR THAT? THESE MEASUREMENTS REPRESENT A TIME BEFORE SPOONS! STOP THE COMMODIFICATION OF THE PINCH!
Sunday, 24 August 2008
I hear the ticking of the clock.
YUSUF ISLAM:
I always feel a little bit bad listening to Cat Steven's music. I mean, he did ask for its distribution to cease. But it's kind of his fault, isn't it? Since his music is just so good?
DEAR IDIOTS:
You know what the speed limit is on King-Vaughan line? Here's a hint: It's NOT sixty, which is what the majority of you insist on doing. It's eighty. I don't care if you have trailer. It's 5:30 am--I should not have to be dealing with bad drivers at this ungodly hour. If I wanted to do sixty, I'd be on Kirby.
Oh, and also? If you're turning right off of Keele, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Know why? Because I have a stop sign and you don't. So STOP slowing down to 2 klicks and waiting for me to go, because one of these days, I am going to rip ahead of you and you're probably not going to like that. LET'S GET IT GOING, BITCHES!
I always feel a little bit bad listening to Cat Steven's music. I mean, he did ask for its distribution to cease. But it's kind of his fault, isn't it? Since his music is just so good?
DEAR IDIOTS:
You know what the speed limit is on King-Vaughan line? Here's a hint: It's NOT sixty, which is what the majority of you insist on doing. It's eighty. I don't care if you have trailer. It's 5:30 am--I should not have to be dealing with bad drivers at this ungodly hour. If I wanted to do sixty, I'd be on Kirby.
Oh, and also? If you're turning right off of Keele, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Know why? Because I have a stop sign and you don't. So STOP slowing down to 2 klicks and waiting for me to go, because one of these days, I am going to rip ahead of you and you're probably not going to like that. LET'S GET IT GOING, BITCHES!
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