(Just to be 100% clear, I was absolutely being sarcastic in this post).
So I don't know if it's the recent election or the fact that Katy Perry is climbing the charts again, but discussion about "The Gays" keeps popping up in some way or another on almost every Internet site in the globosphere, usually apropos of nothing.
Let's clear up one thing here: Parents, you need to stop accusing the schools of making your kids gay by teaching them about "alternative lifestyles". This is YOUR responsility--YOU NEED TO TRY HARDER TO MAKE THEM STRAIGHT.
First of all, Momma should wear dresses and heels and stay in the kitchen; Daddy should go to work and always, always wear a tie. And a little slug of scotch before dinner, after dinner, before bed, in the morning...well, that's manly, right? Anyway.
Now, I KNOW you're already carefully monitoring the television for inappropriate content--not letting your kids watch SpongeBob, or that episode of Buster's Postcards where he visits a house in the sugarbush and remarks "Wow, that's a lot of mommies!" (note to self: firebomb Vermont), but I can't stress this enough--CONSTANT VIGILANCE. You never know when Ernie and Bert are gonna slip onto the old S. Street, and the next thing you know, your son is making creme brulee and putting up pictures of boy bands in his room. And don't ease up when they get older--then there are bigger problems to contend with, like music videos. Not only did they kill the sweet and talented Radio Star (God rest his soul), they are like GAY MACHINES. Seriously! I know, like, TWO girls who watch MuchMusic AND who are lesbians. I don't see how much clearer this could be!
So, in sum, remember--be a good role model and protect your child from "the gays" and their agenda--'cause if you don't, it is ALL YOUR FAULT when they turn gay.
KEEP NORTH AMERICA STRAIGHT!
Monday 22 December 2008
Friday 21 November 2008
some CLASSICAL smackdown
I'm having a classical-music kind of day today.
I like a lot of different composers, and I like different types of classical music.
What I DON'T like is having to wade through three thousand crappy versions of the song I want to hear before I find a good copy of it to listen to. See, I LIKE these songs, and I don't appreciate hearing them butchered, either with an excess of speed or with bad acoustics.
I do prefer professionals--Zimerman, Richter, Yundi, and so on--but I am perfectly okay with listening to a good amateur play it properly. Unfortunately, good amateurs are hard to find.
Listen up, you little punks. Don't you post up some song you just learned and use the "description" section to apologize for the bad sound quality. If the sound sucks, WHY did you post it? Must you really give the world the gift of your fuzzy, distorted rendition of Bach's prelude in C minor? No! Lots of video cameras are capable of getting decent sound quality, so what is holding you up? Get a camera, PUT IT ON A TRIPOD (this is so crucial--I get seasick every time your mom videotapes you), and play away. Don't race through the piece at breakneck speed, and we'll get along just fine. But if your video doesn't turn out so well? SPARE US ALL. Don't put it on YouTube. Get different equipment and try again.
And, for heaven's sake, here's a good general rule for all of YouTube: IF YOU SHOT IT ON YOUR CAMERAPHONE, IT HAS NO BUSINESS ON YOUTUBE. OR ANYWHERE. JUST DELETE IT. DELETE IT NOW.
Is that so much to ask?
I like a lot of different composers, and I like different types of classical music.
What I DON'T like is having to wade through three thousand crappy versions of the song I want to hear before I find a good copy of it to listen to. See, I LIKE these songs, and I don't appreciate hearing them butchered, either with an excess of speed or with bad acoustics.
I do prefer professionals--Zimerman, Richter, Yundi, and so on--but I am perfectly okay with listening to a good amateur play it properly. Unfortunately, good amateurs are hard to find.
Listen up, you little punks. Don't you post up some song you just learned and use the "description" section to apologize for the bad sound quality. If the sound sucks, WHY did you post it? Must you really give the world the gift of your fuzzy, distorted rendition of Bach's prelude in C minor? No! Lots of video cameras are capable of getting decent sound quality, so what is holding you up? Get a camera, PUT IT ON A TRIPOD (this is so crucial--I get seasick every time your mom videotapes you), and play away. Don't race through the piece at breakneck speed, and we'll get along just fine. But if your video doesn't turn out so well? SPARE US ALL. Don't put it on YouTube. Get different equipment and try again.
And, for heaven's sake, here's a good general rule for all of YouTube: IF YOU SHOT IT ON YOUR CAMERAPHONE, IT HAS NO BUSINESS ON YOUTUBE. OR ANYWHERE. JUST DELETE IT. DELETE IT NOW.
Is that so much to ask?
Thursday 20 November 2008
It's time for some SMACKDOWN
E:
Either you stop singing in that delightfully grating coloratura soprano voice, PARTICULARLY past midnight or before 8 am, or your vocal cords are gonna have to go. And don't you shoot your big mouth off to me about the lack of cutlery in the drawer. You need a spoon, snowflake? WASH ONE. I'm not your mother, I'm a science student. I am BUSY, unlike drama comms who have too much free time on their hands to devote to endless vocal practice and talking TOO LOUDLY on the phone.
Idiots in my human phys class:
LEAVE OUR PROFESSOR THE FUCK ALONE! I am sick of having these kinds of conversations:
Idiots: Hey, how come we got zero on this assignment?
Prof: 'Cause you cheated, that's why.
Idiots: We didn't cheat!
Prof: You have the exact same word-for-word answer for numbers four, seven, and ten. You even made the same spelling mistake here.
Idiots: Oh, but we didn't cheat, I barely helped my friend at all, we didn't copy, etc. etc.
Prof: But you must have! YOUR ANSWERS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME!
Idiots: This is ridiculous, you're stupid, etc.
Me: Gentlemen. Prof. X is not attempting to defame your character--though I certainly would. All she is saying is that it's okay to help each other or use the Internet--but you have to PARAPHRASE, not copy directly.
Does everyone know what paraphrasing is?
Does anyone think paraphrasing is beyond their intellectual capabilities?
Good. Now let's all apologize to Dr. X for being rude. Very good.
Now, one of these boys is probably going to firebomb my house, and I'm not going to appreciate that very much.
T:
Stop coming to class high. They're not diet pills, they're amphetamines. SPEED. STOP TAKING THEM.
Either you stop singing in that delightfully grating coloratura soprano voice, PARTICULARLY past midnight or before 8 am, or your vocal cords are gonna have to go. And don't you shoot your big mouth off to me about the lack of cutlery in the drawer. You need a spoon, snowflake? WASH ONE. I'm not your mother, I'm a science student. I am BUSY, unlike drama comms who have too much free time on their hands to devote to endless vocal practice and talking TOO LOUDLY on the phone.
Idiots in my human phys class:
LEAVE OUR PROFESSOR THE FUCK ALONE! I am sick of having these kinds of conversations:
Idiots: Hey, how come we got zero on this assignment?
Prof: 'Cause you cheated, that's why.
Idiots: We didn't cheat!
Prof: You have the exact same word-for-word answer for numbers four, seven, and ten. You even made the same spelling mistake here.
Idiots: Oh, but we didn't cheat, I barely helped my friend at all, we didn't copy, etc. etc.
Prof: But you must have! YOUR ANSWERS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME!
Idiots: This is ridiculous, you're stupid, etc.
Me: Gentlemen. Prof. X is not attempting to defame your character--though I certainly would. All she is saying is that it's okay to help each other or use the Internet--but you have to PARAPHRASE, not copy directly.
Does everyone know what paraphrasing is?
Does anyone think paraphrasing is beyond their intellectual capabilities?
Good. Now let's all apologize to Dr. X for being rude. Very good.
Now, one of these boys is probably going to firebomb my house, and I'm not going to appreciate that very much.
T:
Stop coming to class high. They're not diet pills, they're amphetamines. SPEED. STOP TAKING THEM.
Saturday 8 November 2008
I was watching some videos on YouTube and came across one of a live version of "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry at the European VMAs. There were all kinds of comments below it like "Katy can't sing live!" or "She sounds like a man!" or "WTF? Bad singing!" Listen, if you thought Katy Perry's song was famous because she had a good voice, you completely missed the point of the video. Katy's voice sounds weird on her CD, never mind live, but that's not at all why she was so popular this summer.
Also. While we're talking about kissing girls and YouTube, I came across some "Yes on Prop 8" videos that I kind of thought were hilarious.
According to one video's comments, "98% of all homosexuals in prison admitted to being attracted to children". What? Does anyone actually believe these kinds of figures? 98% of all CHILD MOLESTERS in prison admitted to being attracted to children--that I would believe. I mean, that's what got them put in jail in the first place. But homosexuals? I don't think so.
My favourite part, I think, is the underlying assumption is that child molestation only happens between men and young boys. That's ridiculous. There are hundreds of convicted felons in jail right now because they were men with a preference for little girls. Since when is a man liking young girls suddenly gay? Is homosexuality the new catch-all for any sexual behaviour that lies outside the interactions between one man and one woman?
More YouTube hilarity:
A comment on a video of someone painting the Mona Lisa using MS Paint:
"ur the living picasso! or who ever painted the original".
Uh, can anyone say WE NEED MORE ART EDUCATION IN OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS?
Also. While we're talking about kissing girls and YouTube, I came across some "Yes on Prop 8" videos that I kind of thought were hilarious.
According to one video's comments, "98% of all homosexuals in prison admitted to being attracted to children". What? Does anyone actually believe these kinds of figures? 98% of all CHILD MOLESTERS in prison admitted to being attracted to children--that I would believe. I mean, that's what got them put in jail in the first place. But homosexuals? I don't think so.
My favourite part, I think, is the underlying assumption is that child molestation only happens between men and young boys. That's ridiculous. There are hundreds of convicted felons in jail right now because they were men with a preference for little girls. Since when is a man liking young girls suddenly gay? Is homosexuality the new catch-all for any sexual behaviour that lies outside the interactions between one man and one woman?
More YouTube hilarity:
A comment on a video of someone painting the Mona Lisa using MS Paint:
"ur the living picasso! or who ever painted the original".
Uh, can anyone say WE NEED MORE ART EDUCATION IN OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS?
Friday 31 October 2008
THIS JUST IN:
According to Wikipedia, the Divinyl's lovely, lovely song I Touch Myself is about masturbation.
No effing way!
Additionally, a recent discovery has been made by Democrats across the nation:
SARAH PALIN IS A GIRL!
This has just been an unbelievable day, folks. Unbelievable.
No effing way!
Additionally, a recent discovery has been made by Democrats across the nation:
SARAH PALIN IS A GIRL!
This has just been an unbelievable day, folks. Unbelievable.
Friday 24 October 2008
Shit I would do if I ran the place: Part one of a series
Screw you, Stephen.
I'm in charge now.
Imagine a beautiful world...one where I raised a standing army of over ten thousand people and stormed the capital. We ran amok on the Hill. We smashed busts of old dead guys. We defaced portraits. We littered. We were not very gentle with spines of the books in Library.
And then we knocked very politely on Stephen's door, very politely tied him up, and very politely dropped him out of the window.
Everybody else ran and screamed. My generals and lieutenants are now installed in the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court. And myself? I am in charge of this great nation. Please follow along with me over the next few weeks as I solve all of the world's problems, rise to ultimate conquest, and settle down in the French countryside with a flock of chickens and a high-speed Internet connection.
PROBLEM ONE: WE NEED MORE DOCTORS
This may sound crazy, but I'm going to HIRE MORE DOCTORS. How? By making sure that more doctors come out of medical school. Currently, only about one in twenty applicants to Canadian medical schools are accepted. Just lowering that number to one in eighteen or one in seventeen will give no drop in quality but give us an extra few hundred prospective doctors per year. You can't increase output without increasing input.
And, this may also sound crazy, but I'm going to LET PEOPLE WHO ARE DOCTORS BE DOCTORS. As Number 2 put it during House's mad selection process in Season Four, "Schools in my country suffer from not being from this country".
Doctors train all over the world. No one who wants to practice medicine here was trained in Igor's basement lab. They have REAL DEGREES from REAL SCHOOLS. Sure, maybe they need some training to get them acclimated to Canadian health care priorities and exactly how our system works, but they shouldn't need to be driving taxis for four years while they are retaught about the common cold. Training of immigrant doctors will be done on a rotation basis by the chiefs of medicine at major hospitals across the country, and it will take three months. Not three years.
LOOK! C'EST MAGIC! FAMILY DOCTORS FOR EVERYONE! AND WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SUBSIDIZE THEIR EDUCATION BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL HERE!
PROBLEM TWO: THE BRITISH IN NORTHERN IRELAND
I know I'm just the prime minister. But seriously. Everyone will listen to me.
Listen up, British individuals. The reason you are in Ireland is because one of your people stirred up shit during the Jacobean era. Seventeen eras later, you're still hanging around. I know there's been peace talks and truces and ceasefires and whatever, but let's not forget that just two decades ago, people were bombing the shit out of each other on account of this centuries-old war. This is a tenuous peace at best, and you know what? Continually occupying Ireland isn't making anyone any happier. So scram. Pack up, move on back to the Motherland, where you can be hailed as a hero who kept those drunken Irish from progressing towards freedom or unity.
Your family has been there for decades, you say? Generations, even? That's fine. Stay there. Write the Irish citizenship test, become a functional member of society, and for heaven's sake, PUT THAT DAMN GUN AWAY.
I'm in charge now.
Imagine a beautiful world...one where I raised a standing army of over ten thousand people and stormed the capital. We ran amok on the Hill. We smashed busts of old dead guys. We defaced portraits. We littered. We were not very gentle with spines of the books in Library.
And then we knocked very politely on Stephen's door, very politely tied him up, and very politely dropped him out of the window.
Everybody else ran and screamed. My generals and lieutenants are now installed in the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court. And myself? I am in charge of this great nation. Please follow along with me over the next few weeks as I solve all of the world's problems, rise to ultimate conquest, and settle down in the French countryside with a flock of chickens and a high-speed Internet connection.
PROBLEM ONE: WE NEED MORE DOCTORS
This may sound crazy, but I'm going to HIRE MORE DOCTORS. How? By making sure that more doctors come out of medical school. Currently, only about one in twenty applicants to Canadian medical schools are accepted. Just lowering that number to one in eighteen or one in seventeen will give no drop in quality but give us an extra few hundred prospective doctors per year. You can't increase output without increasing input.
And, this may also sound crazy, but I'm going to LET PEOPLE WHO ARE DOCTORS BE DOCTORS. As Number 2 put it during House's mad selection process in Season Four, "Schools in my country suffer from not being from this country".
Doctors train all over the world. No one who wants to practice medicine here was trained in Igor's basement lab. They have REAL DEGREES from REAL SCHOOLS. Sure, maybe they need some training to get them acclimated to Canadian health care priorities and exactly how our system works, but they shouldn't need to be driving taxis for four years while they are retaught about the common cold. Training of immigrant doctors will be done on a rotation basis by the chiefs of medicine at major hospitals across the country, and it will take three months. Not three years.
LOOK! C'EST MAGIC! FAMILY DOCTORS FOR EVERYONE! AND WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SUBSIDIZE THEIR EDUCATION BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL HERE!
PROBLEM TWO: THE BRITISH IN NORTHERN IRELAND
I know I'm just the prime minister. But seriously. Everyone will listen to me.
Listen up, British individuals. The reason you are in Ireland is because one of your people stirred up shit during the Jacobean era. Seventeen eras later, you're still hanging around. I know there's been peace talks and truces and ceasefires and whatever, but let's not forget that just two decades ago, people were bombing the shit out of each other on account of this centuries-old war. This is a tenuous peace at best, and you know what? Continually occupying Ireland isn't making anyone any happier. So scram. Pack up, move on back to the Motherland, where you can be hailed as a hero who kept those drunken Irish from progressing towards freedom or unity.
Your family has been there for decades, you say? Generations, even? That's fine. Stay there. Write the Irish citizenship test, become a functional member of society, and for heaven's sake, PUT THAT DAMN GUN AWAY.
Thursday 9 October 2008
(A/N: Here, I'm going to use the word "snowflake" [or.: RYS --> see right link list if you have yet to experience the hilarity].)
Listen up, you little snowflakes.
I don't care if you don't feel like studying the twelve chapters left after midterms for your final exam.
I don't care if you don't feel like reading a chapter on your own.
I don't care if you think the professor should change the syllabus to suit your personal tastes or desires.
I don't care if you want to pass a class or get your degree without doing any work, because that's what you're asking for. You're trying to minimize the amount of work you have to do in this class by asking for all of these chapter reductions and lecture downsizings. And I'm done with you.
Listen up. You're here to learn. If you don't want to be here, just skip the class. Hell, drop the class. Doesn't matter to me. Get lost.
And you'd better not be the same little punks who, just last week, were whining to me because the teachers were "keeping you out of class" with their big, mean strike. You wanted to learn last week; why are you wasting my time now? Why are you disrupting the lecture you were so hot be in just seven days ago?
Put up or shut up, snowflakes, or somebody's gonna get smacked.
Listen up, you little snowflakes.
I don't care if you don't feel like studying the twelve chapters left after midterms for your final exam.
I don't care if you don't feel like reading a chapter on your own.
I don't care if you think the professor should change the syllabus to suit your personal tastes or desires.
I don't care if you want to pass a class or get your degree without doing any work, because that's what you're asking for. You're trying to minimize the amount of work you have to do in this class by asking for all of these chapter reductions and lecture downsizings. And I'm done with you.
Listen up. You're here to learn. If you don't want to be here, just skip the class. Hell, drop the class. Doesn't matter to me. Get lost.
And you'd better not be the same little punks who, just last week, were whining to me because the teachers were "keeping you out of class" with their big, mean strike. You wanted to learn last week; why are you wasting my time now? Why are you disrupting the lecture you were so hot be in just seven days ago?
Put up or shut up, snowflakes, or somebody's gonna get smacked.
Monday 6 October 2008
Yeah, yeah. Strike's over. Whatever. I'd like to say I'm thrilled to be back in class, but I'm only sort of thrilled. One the one hand, it's nice to learn again. On the other hand, I still have to put up with the lovely fellow students in my department. On the third hand, which I recently had grafted to my body for just such an occasion, I was officially adopted into the School of Dramatic Arts yesterday. Aside from the fact that their acronym is SODA, my new department is super cool.
Today's frustrations:
1. Google does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with my Vivitar camera flash?"
2. My Vivitar camera flash does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with you?". Additionally, it does not respond well to shaking or threats of violence, either.
ETA:
Because I am a mad fantastic genius (or at least passably bright), I fixed my flash. I used ketchup to strip the corrosion off the contact plate, and voila.
And your mother told you condiments were only for eating...
Today's frustrations:
1. Google does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with my Vivitar camera flash?"
2. My Vivitar camera flash does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with you?". Additionally, it does not respond well to shaking or threats of violence, either.
ETA:
Because I am a mad fantastic genius (or at least passably bright), I fixed my flash. I used ketchup to strip the corrosion off the contact plate, and voila.
And your mother told you condiments were only for eating...
Thursday 25 September 2008
So.
At my school, the University of Windsor, the faculty have been on strike for a week now.
The Windsor University Faculty Association (WUFA) is striking for a number of things that I don't wish to discuss because I've discussed them and heard them discussed ad nauseum for what feels like the past seventeen thousand years.
Basically, sessionals are getting paid dirt, the admin is trying to claw back benefits, and lots of people are being all-around jerks.
Well, listen up, everyone.
I support WUFA, I will support WUFA till the day I die, and I don't have to justify my decision to you. Yes, I'm out there every day picketing with the faculty, and until you've done the same, shut up and don't whine to me about how bad the strike is.
NEXT. The administration insists that WUFA isn't willing to bargain. WUFA insists that the administration isn't willing to bargain. Admin says WUFA is lying, WUFA tells me the admin is lying. Listen, I know BOTH of you are lying to me, and I'm sick of it! I don't care WHO is lying by this point, just shut up and get back to the bargaining table! That's right, sit your asses down and bargain. We can't get any closer to resolving anything if you AREN'T BARGAINING.
ADMIN: You guys are being pretty serious a-holes, you know? Listen, you spent all of yesterday insisting that your top-secret board meeting was in camera, so that nobody else could listen in on your discussion. And yet? This morning apparently you were ready to have people know what you were doing, because you PUBLISHED YOUR NEW PROPOSAL IN THE EFFING WINDSOR STAR. Were you confused? Did you forget that you were supposed to be bargaining with WUFA, not with the mass media? Did you press the wrong button on your speed dial? Again, I don't give a damn. Just shut up, stop the media shenanigans, and get your asses in that bargaining room.
AND: Stop telling me nobody wants to be on strike. I KNOW nobody wants to be on strike. Given a choice between picketing in the hot sun for three hours a day and spending those three hours in a classroom with a captive audience talking about a subject you love, what person--what human being--would choose the former? Enough with the platitudes, let's see some action.
DEAR IDIOTS who keep driving by in their cars and yelling "Get back to work!" at us: SHUT UP. Do you honestly think that, if ending the strike was as simple as going back to the classrooms and teaching, we'd still be standing here A WEEK LATER? Yeah, that's right. So shut up and just keep driving. None of these faculty who have been scraping by on strike pay and picketing for hours need to hear you being a loudmouth idiot.
ON A SIDE NOTE, the admin seem to be pretty good at operating a business under capitalism. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is they are really lousy at running a school. Let's do some math:
FACULTY + STUDENTS = INSTITUTION OF HIGHER LEARNING
SCHOOL - FACULTY - STUDENTS = BUNCH OF EMPTY BUILDINGS.
Admin, you guys are smart, because you're experiencing a deficit and you've decided to push the burden of recovering from that deficit onto your employees. That's good and deplorable business sense. Too bad you forgot who your employees ARE. They are not just your average unionized slackers cluttering up the office. They are teachers. They are the people on whom this university is founded. They are the people who improve the reputation of this university. They are the people who bring in the money and the research grants that you guys seem to love so much. So why the hell would you try and make up your deficit off their backs? This sounds like a bad plan to me.
FINALLY: I am going to punch the next person who complains about how long the strike is lasting. Shooting off your big mouth about it isn't doing ANYTHING. You want to help resolve the strike? Get out on the picket line. Hold a sign, bake cookies, support the teachers. This isn't exactly sunshine and buttercups for them, either. Don't blame the strike on the faculty. They can't cross the picket line, because that would completely undermine the purpose of the collective bargaining unit. They're on strike because the admin left them no other choice, so shut up.
If you support WUFA, show it. If not, I don't care. Just get out of my face.
At my school, the University of Windsor, the faculty have been on strike for a week now.
The Windsor University Faculty Association (WUFA) is striking for a number of things that I don't wish to discuss because I've discussed them and heard them discussed ad nauseum for what feels like the past seventeen thousand years.
Basically, sessionals are getting paid dirt, the admin is trying to claw back benefits, and lots of people are being all-around jerks.
Well, listen up, everyone.
I support WUFA, I will support WUFA till the day I die, and I don't have to justify my decision to you. Yes, I'm out there every day picketing with the faculty, and until you've done the same, shut up and don't whine to me about how bad the strike is.
NEXT. The administration insists that WUFA isn't willing to bargain. WUFA insists that the administration isn't willing to bargain. Admin says WUFA is lying, WUFA tells me the admin is lying. Listen, I know BOTH of you are lying to me, and I'm sick of it! I don't care WHO is lying by this point, just shut up and get back to the bargaining table! That's right, sit your asses down and bargain. We can't get any closer to resolving anything if you AREN'T BARGAINING.
ADMIN: You guys are being pretty serious a-holes, you know? Listen, you spent all of yesterday insisting that your top-secret board meeting was in camera, so that nobody else could listen in on your discussion. And yet? This morning apparently you were ready to have people know what you were doing, because you PUBLISHED YOUR NEW PROPOSAL IN THE EFFING WINDSOR STAR. Were you confused? Did you forget that you were supposed to be bargaining with WUFA, not with the mass media? Did you press the wrong button on your speed dial? Again, I don't give a damn. Just shut up, stop the media shenanigans, and get your asses in that bargaining room.
AND: Stop telling me nobody wants to be on strike. I KNOW nobody wants to be on strike. Given a choice between picketing in the hot sun for three hours a day and spending those three hours in a classroom with a captive audience talking about a subject you love, what person--what human being--would choose the former? Enough with the platitudes, let's see some action.
DEAR IDIOTS who keep driving by in their cars and yelling "Get back to work!" at us: SHUT UP. Do you honestly think that, if ending the strike was as simple as going back to the classrooms and teaching, we'd still be standing here A WEEK LATER? Yeah, that's right. So shut up and just keep driving. None of these faculty who have been scraping by on strike pay and picketing for hours need to hear you being a loudmouth idiot.
ON A SIDE NOTE, the admin seem to be pretty good at operating a business under capitalism. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is they are really lousy at running a school. Let's do some math:
FACULTY + STUDENTS = INSTITUTION OF HIGHER LEARNING
SCHOOL - FACULTY - STUDENTS = BUNCH OF EMPTY BUILDINGS.
Admin, you guys are smart, because you're experiencing a deficit and you've decided to push the burden of recovering from that deficit onto your employees. That's good and deplorable business sense. Too bad you forgot who your employees ARE. They are not just your average unionized slackers cluttering up the office. They are teachers. They are the people on whom this university is founded. They are the people who improve the reputation of this university. They are the people who bring in the money and the research grants that you guys seem to love so much. So why the hell would you try and make up your deficit off their backs? This sounds like a bad plan to me.
FINALLY: I am going to punch the next person who complains about how long the strike is lasting. Shooting off your big mouth about it isn't doing ANYTHING. You want to help resolve the strike? Get out on the picket line. Hold a sign, bake cookies, support the teachers. This isn't exactly sunshine and buttercups for them, either. Don't blame the strike on the faculty. They can't cross the picket line, because that would completely undermine the purpose of the collective bargaining unit. They're on strike because the admin left them no other choice, so shut up.
If you support WUFA, show it. If not, I don't care. Just get out of my face.
Tuesday 9 September 2008
THIS JUST IN:
CRAZY news, everyone. According to this excellent piece of research, when you drink a lot, you are more likely to have unsafe sex.
Can you believe this? When you have five or more drinks of ALCOHOL, a DRUG that lowers your INHIBITIONS and sense of RESPONSIBILITY, you are more likely to forget to remind your lovebunny of your cardinal rule: "No glove, no love"! Who knew?!?
This is groundbreaking stuff, people. GROUNDBREAKING. DO YOU FEEL THE GROUND CRUMBLING BENEATH YOUR FEET?
Can you believe this? When you have five or more drinks of ALCOHOL, a DRUG that lowers your INHIBITIONS and sense of RESPONSIBILITY, you are more likely to forget to remind your lovebunny of your cardinal rule: "No glove, no love"! Who knew?!?
This is groundbreaking stuff, people. GROUNDBREAKING. DO YOU FEEL THE GROUND CRUMBLING BENEATH YOUR FEET?
Wednesday 3 September 2008
Nicely played, Novak
This lady is FANTASTIC:
See?
"To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! From now on, could you please just send money, Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead. And I promise, I will NOT be forwarding any of that to 10 friends."
See?
Thursday 28 August 2008
Just a pinch
They make measuring spoons. This is not catastrophic. What is catastrophic is that these measuring spoons are made for a pinch, a dash, and a smidgen.
This is not cute. This is an abomination. And I don't just mean these particular spoons. I have nothing against them especially. I mean ALL spoons that standardize non-standard measurements. The whole point of the dash and the pinch was that they represented measurements you could "eyeball"--a dash was one pass of a shaker, a pinch was literally the amount you could pinch between your fingers.
WHY MAKE SPOONS FOR THAT? THESE MEASUREMENTS REPRESENT A TIME BEFORE SPOONS! STOP THE COMMODIFICATION OF THE PINCH!
This is not cute. This is an abomination. And I don't just mean these particular spoons. I have nothing against them especially. I mean ALL spoons that standardize non-standard measurements. The whole point of the dash and the pinch was that they represented measurements you could "eyeball"--a dash was one pass of a shaker, a pinch was literally the amount you could pinch between your fingers.
WHY MAKE SPOONS FOR THAT? THESE MEASUREMENTS REPRESENT A TIME BEFORE SPOONS! STOP THE COMMODIFICATION OF THE PINCH!
Tuesday 26 August 2008
Dear Tony Clement:
This may have escaped your notice, Sir, but you are not, in fact, a doctor. So shut up--about the safe injection site in particular, but shutting up about everything would be an appreciated bonus.
We are talking about people here, bro. Now, I'm sure you don't consider drug addicts as people. You think of them as a problem that you have to solve. And if you can solve the problem while pushing your party's agenda, so much the better, right? Wrong.
I don't care what you personally think about the safe-injection site--in fact, I'm not so sure you can think. I care what you are professionally and publicly thinking about the safe-injection site. You think to yourself, "My party believes in a War on Drugs", and you use these suffering people as your pawns. You think because you are a card-carrying Conservative that you have to react to every health-related situation with a knee-jerk response full of Conservative values. This may make you a great politician. Unfortunately, it also makes you a terrible human being.
I won't even discuss the things you say to deride the safe-injection site, because I find them laughably stupid and illogical. But I am sick of seeing you in my paper, running off at the mouth in various locations across the globe, saying the same thing.
This is a serious issue, bud, not just a press conference to show off how much you know about your party's platform. So do everyone a favour--grab a nice big piece of duct tape, and stick 'er right over your mouth. See now, isn't that better?
We are talking about people here, bro. Now, I'm sure you don't consider drug addicts as people. You think of them as a problem that you have to solve. And if you can solve the problem while pushing your party's agenda, so much the better, right? Wrong.
I don't care what you personally think about the safe-injection site--in fact, I'm not so sure you can think. I care what you are professionally and publicly thinking about the safe-injection site. You think to yourself, "My party believes in a War on Drugs", and you use these suffering people as your pawns. You think because you are a card-carrying Conservative that you have to react to every health-related situation with a knee-jerk response full of Conservative values. This may make you a great politician. Unfortunately, it also makes you a terrible human being.
I won't even discuss the things you say to deride the safe-injection site, because I find them laughably stupid and illogical. But I am sick of seeing you in my paper, running off at the mouth in various locations across the globe, saying the same thing.
This is a serious issue, bud, not just a press conference to show off how much you know about your party's platform. So do everyone a favour--grab a nice big piece of duct tape, and stick 'er right over your mouth. See now, isn't that better?
I told you a litre was less than a gallon!
There's a simple rule I generally like to live by. I call it my "If you don't like it, don't do it" rule.
It applies to lots of stuff. Don't like abortions? Don't get one. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't like raw milk? DON'T EFFING DRINK IT.
According to a book I'm reading, Gina Mallet's Last Chance to Eat, unpasteurized milk was banned in 1949. The government decided that, because raw milk was not safe for some people (the very old, the very young, and those with weak immune systems) to drink, NOBODY would be allowed to drink it. I find this principle stupid, but hey.
This would have been fine, so long as the government stuck to this principle for all foods. But they did not. I notice on my bottle of (admittedly delicious) organic honey that the word "UNPASTEURIZED" is prominently displayed, as well as a warning that it should not be fed to children under one year of age because it isn't safe for them to eat it.
So essentially, the government has banned one food because not everyone can eat it if it is unpasteurized, but allowed another.
Make no mistake--I am not advocating that honey be pasteurized (if such a thing is even possible), but rather that, on the flip side, people who wish to drink or sell unpasteurized milk be left the hell alone.
It applies to lots of stuff. Don't like abortions? Don't get one. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't like raw milk? DON'T EFFING DRINK IT.
According to a book I'm reading, Gina Mallet's Last Chance to Eat, unpasteurized milk was banned in 1949. The government decided that, because raw milk was not safe for some people (the very old, the very young, and those with weak immune systems) to drink, NOBODY would be allowed to drink it. I find this principle stupid, but hey.
This would have been fine, so long as the government stuck to this principle for all foods. But they did not. I notice on my bottle of (admittedly delicious) organic honey that the word "UNPASTEURIZED" is prominently displayed, as well as a warning that it should not be fed to children under one year of age because it isn't safe for them to eat it.
So essentially, the government has banned one food because not everyone can eat it if it is unpasteurized, but allowed another.
Make no mistake--I am not advocating that honey be pasteurized (if such a thing is even possible), but rather that, on the flip side, people who wish to drink or sell unpasteurized milk be left the hell alone.
Sunday 24 August 2008
I hear the ticking of the clock.
YUSUF ISLAM:
I always feel a little bit bad listening to Cat Steven's music. I mean, he did ask for its distribution to cease. But it's kind of his fault, isn't it? Since his music is just so good?
DEAR IDIOTS:
You know what the speed limit is on King-Vaughan line? Here's a hint: It's NOT sixty, which is what the majority of you insist on doing. It's eighty. I don't care if you have trailer. It's 5:30 am--I should not have to be dealing with bad drivers at this ungodly hour. If I wanted to do sixty, I'd be on Kirby.
Oh, and also? If you're turning right off of Keele, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Know why? Because I have a stop sign and you don't. So STOP slowing down to 2 klicks and waiting for me to go, because one of these days, I am going to rip ahead of you and you're probably not going to like that. LET'S GET IT GOING, BITCHES!
I always feel a little bit bad listening to Cat Steven's music. I mean, he did ask for its distribution to cease. But it's kind of his fault, isn't it? Since his music is just so good?
DEAR IDIOTS:
You know what the speed limit is on King-Vaughan line? Here's a hint: It's NOT sixty, which is what the majority of you insist on doing. It's eighty. I don't care if you have trailer. It's 5:30 am--I should not have to be dealing with bad drivers at this ungodly hour. If I wanted to do sixty, I'd be on Kirby.
Oh, and also? If you're turning right off of Keele, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. Know why? Because I have a stop sign and you don't. So STOP slowing down to 2 klicks and waiting for me to go, because one of these days, I am going to rip ahead of you and you're probably not going to like that. LET'S GET IT GOING, BITCHES!
Wednesday 20 August 2008
The Deserted Island
This is probably my most frivolous rant yet, which isn't saying much because I've only got five posts to date, including this one. But I digress.
Yesterday, I got a little irked when I opened the Liberal (which is trash anyway, and needs a copy editor STAT), and saw the typical "profile of an overachieving student" laid out on page three, complete with sidebar of supposedly interesting tidbits about the student in question. Like real newspapers, the Liberal likes to use a "complete the sentence" format to elicit these details. This includes the standard "My favourite food is...", "My greatest asset is..." and, of course, the dreaded "Three things I would take to a deserted island are..."
Listen up, people. STOP saying stupid stuff like "food" and "water" in response to this question. The reason this question is asked is because we're trying to learn more about your personality via what is most precious to you, not prove that you passed the third grade and know that humans need water.
For example, here's what I would take:
1. My violin
2. Season 4 of House
3. Sushi
What does this tell you about me? That I like music and value my instrument highly, that I think House is really funny, and that I both enjoy sushi enough to eat it for the rest of my life, and have no respect for food safety (Maybe it's a cold deserted island).
When someone answers "food", "water", or "a life raft", they are undermining the very purpose of the question. You aren't auditioning for Survivor, people! We aren't testing to see if you know which basics are vital to life! We want your personality--so far, all you've shown us is that you're NOT FUNNY! Unlike House.
Yesterday, I got a little irked when I opened the Liberal (which is trash anyway, and needs a copy editor STAT), and saw the typical "profile of an overachieving student" laid out on page three, complete with sidebar of supposedly interesting tidbits about the student in question. Like real newspapers, the Liberal likes to use a "complete the sentence" format to elicit these details. This includes the standard "My favourite food is...", "My greatest asset is..." and, of course, the dreaded "Three things I would take to a deserted island are..."
Listen up, people. STOP saying stupid stuff like "food" and "water" in response to this question. The reason this question is asked is because we're trying to learn more about your personality via what is most precious to you, not prove that you passed the third grade and know that humans need water.
For example, here's what I would take:
1. My violin
2. Season 4 of House
3. Sushi
What does this tell you about me? That I like music and value my instrument highly, that I think House is really funny, and that I both enjoy sushi enough to eat it for the rest of my life, and have no respect for food safety (Maybe it's a cold deserted island).
When someone answers "food", "water", or "a life raft", they are undermining the very purpose of the question. You aren't auditioning for Survivor, people! We aren't testing to see if you know which basics are vital to life! We want your personality--so far, all you've shown us is that you're NOT FUNNY! Unlike House.
Tuesday 19 August 2008
Enough about China!
Listen up, people.
I am sick of opening up the Globe and Mail every damn day and seeing about some new piece of superficial fakery China pulled in an effort to present a seamless image during the Olympics.
YES, China has done some bad shit. YES, forcing homeless people and ethnic minorities away from the capital, among other things, was typical heavy-handed freaking out. But seriously. This is getting excessive. Do you think we're going to be so happy when the Olympics are in Vancouver and everyone's pulling these stunts with us? VANOC is already feeling the pinch with the recent landslide on the Sea-to-Sky. So let's all shut up, before that nation-sized magnifying glass shifts its gaze to us.
I am sick of opening up the Globe and Mail every damn day and seeing about some new piece of superficial fakery China pulled in an effort to present a seamless image during the Olympics.
YES, China has done some bad shit. YES, forcing homeless people and ethnic minorities away from the capital, among other things, was typical heavy-handed freaking out. But seriously. This is getting excessive. Do you think we're going to be so happy when the Olympics are in Vancouver and everyone's pulling these stunts with us? VANOC is already feeling the pinch with the recent landslide on the Sea-to-Sky. So let's all shut up, before that nation-sized magnifying glass shifts its gaze to us.
"If you're sixteen, I'll eat my pants!"
Sister: Well, I'm sorry, but I have to run the company while Pat's on his "honeymoon".
Me: Don't act like you're sorry when you're not. It's annoying.
Sister: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
Sister: For your information, I am sorry!
Me: No, you're not. You said, "I'm sorry, but..." That's not an apology. That's an apologia.
Sister: You're an apologia.
Me: ...
Seriously. How can I respond to this kind of a comment? There is no rational response to this type of argument. (P.S. Despite all appearances to the contrary, my sister is, in fact, eighteen).
Me: Don't act like you're sorry when you're not. It's annoying.
Sister: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
Sister: For your information, I am sorry!
Me: No, you're not. You said, "I'm sorry, but..." That's not an apology. That's an apologia.
Sister: You're an apologia.
Me: ...
Seriously. How can I respond to this kind of a comment? There is no rational response to this type of argument. (P.S. Despite all appearances to the contrary, my sister is, in fact, eighteen).
Sunday 17 August 2008
"Bitches, that's harrassment."
COLLECTED WISDOM:
What I've noticed over the past week:
1. Plans with the word "pact" in them are usually bad ideas.
2. Innocence is just another term for naivete, and not desirable in the least past the age of ten.
3. You should never ask for a trial by jury. Remember, you're not being tried by a jury of your peers, you're being tried by a jury of people too stupid to figure out how to get out of jury duty.
What I've noticed over the past week:
1. Plans with the word "pact" in them are usually bad ideas.
2. Innocence is just another term for naivete, and not desirable in the least past the age of ten.
3. You should never ask for a trial by jury. Remember, you're not being tried by a jury of your peers, you're being tried by a jury of people too stupid to figure out how to get out of jury duty.
"Seriously? You have daughters".
Hello new blogging family.
I started paring down my friends list on LiveJournal and grew sad that so few people were able to read my brilliance, so I made a new blog. That's all.
WORKING:
I work in landscape at an amusement park. I'm pretty sure I can get fired for saying which one.
I don't even have to work with the public, and I'm getting irritated with it. Most people are okay. They ask for directions, I give them the directions, they smile and wander off, sometimes even following those selfsame directions.
Some people are more annoying.
Me: [lifting clumps of turf we ripped out of a tree well into a wheelbarrow].
Some chick picnicking with her family: There's dust.
Me: [still shoveling sod]
Chick: Yes, hello, I'm talking to you.
Me: Yes, ma'am?
Chick: You're spilling dust on me and my family.
Me: I'm sorry, ma'am. The earth on this sod is quite dry, and the wind is blowing in your direction.
Chick: But you're dusting us.
Me: Ma'am, I can't leave these piles here.
Chick: Okay, but you can't just come here and spill dust on us!
Me: I understand that this is a momentary discomfort to you, but what can I do? I can't change the direction of the wind, or the fact that the earth is dry. And I have to pick this sod up.
Chick: You're dusting on me! You're not allowed to dust on me!
Me: Ma'am, according to the Criminal Code, I'm also not allowed to shiv you with this rake. And yet? Here I am, poised to do it!
Okay, obviously I didn't say that last thing. Althought I did get a "needs improvement" on my interim evaluation in the Guest Service section, so I might as well have done it.
My point here being that this obnoxious "The Customer is Always Right" attitude is reaching gargantuan and preposterous heights. This is a good lesson for all of us: the next time you're prepared to flex some customer muscle, think: is there something the person you're about to railroad can actually DO for you?
This would solve at least half of my problems, anyway.
I started paring down my friends list on LiveJournal and grew sad that so few people were able to read my brilliance, so I made a new blog. That's all.
WORKING:
I work in landscape at an amusement park. I'm pretty sure I can get fired for saying which one.
I don't even have to work with the public, and I'm getting irritated with it. Most people are okay. They ask for directions, I give them the directions, they smile and wander off, sometimes even following those selfsame directions.
Some people are more annoying.
Me: [lifting clumps of turf we ripped out of a tree well into a wheelbarrow].
Some chick picnicking with her family: There's dust.
Me: [still shoveling sod]
Chick: Yes, hello, I'm talking to you.
Me: Yes, ma'am?
Chick: You're spilling dust on me and my family.
Me: I'm sorry, ma'am. The earth on this sod is quite dry, and the wind is blowing in your direction.
Chick: But you're dusting us.
Me: Ma'am, I can't leave these piles here.
Chick: Okay, but you can't just come here and spill dust on us!
Me: I understand that this is a momentary discomfort to you, but what can I do? I can't change the direction of the wind, or the fact that the earth is dry. And I have to pick this sod up.
Chick: You're dusting on me! You're not allowed to dust on me!
Me: Ma'am, according to the Criminal Code, I'm also not allowed to shiv you with this rake. And yet? Here I am, poised to do it!
Okay, obviously I didn't say that last thing. Althought I did get a "needs improvement" on my interim evaluation in the Guest Service section, so I might as well have done it.
My point here being that this obnoxious "The Customer is Always Right" attitude is reaching gargantuan and preposterous heights. This is a good lesson for all of us: the next time you're prepared to flex some customer muscle, think: is there something the person you're about to railroad can actually DO for you?
This would solve at least half of my problems, anyway.
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