WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY UP TO?!
Jean-Claude Duvalier, aka Baby Doc, the younger half of the two-generation terror squad ruling Haiti from 1957 to 1986, showed up in Haiti this week.
Haiti needs a lot of things - medical supplies and doctors, fresh water sources, food, transportation, repairs to flooded roads and damaged infrastructure, effective cholera treatments. One thing they don't need is this clown pulling into town after 25 years of exile in France and announcing he wants to help.
I don't blame the Haitians in the slightest for welcoming Duvalier - apparently, fully half of the country is under the age of 33, meaning they have little to no memory of how insanely evil, corrupt and brutal the ham-fisted Duvalier regime really was. But let's have a brief recap: at the end of their reign of terror, the one-two knockout punch of Duvaliers Sr and Jr could add millions of dollars in embezzlement, the executions of thousands of political opponents, and the introduction of the tontons macoutes (a distinctly evil secret police force) to their resumes. And let's not forget their continued dealings in narcotics and body parts (!), or the repeated violations of the Constitution, or the vote-rigging, or that time when Daddy Doc rewrote the Lord's prayer to include himself.
Haiti, you just can't catch a break, can you?
YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG
Toronto police have taken a man accused of shooting at and firebombing a house into custody. The enterprising young fellow, Atanas Markov, decided to return with a gun after a deal (and Markov's subsequent attempt at extortion) went south at his business partner's house. He fired at the house (?!) and then at a car parked in the driveway. Still not content, this champion returned three days later with a couple of friends, who helped him throw Molotov cocktails at the house. The damage they did, however, was mostly broken glass; fortunately, the business partner and his wife and two kids were unharmed.
What have we learned here? Not only is Markov insane enough to firebomb a house, the utter lack of, you know, fire damage suggests he's not even GOOD at making Molotov cocktails. Come on, son. You're just disgracing the real arsonists around here.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
What is this I don't even.
Where do I even start?
Okay. The Soviets occupied Finland for a couple of years around the start of WWII, which sucked big-time for the Finns. Pretty much exhausted and really annoyed with the Russians by this time, Finland allowed the Nazis to occupy part of their country, until they realized that Nazis were actually really bad dudes, and put their cooperation pact through the cross-cut shredder a couple times.
MEANWHILE, a pharmaceutical company owner (Tor Borg) apparently had a dog who had a habit of raising its paw in the air, in what looked like to a few sun-starved Finns to be the Sig Heil salute. His wife nicknamed the dog Hitler; hilarity ensued. The Chancellory caught wind of this dog via some of their handy spies, and weren't too happy. They dispatched some more diplomats to find the dog and figure out just what was going on. All of this was very seriously reported via a series of cables - including a plot to destroy Borg's pharmaceutical company by having his wholesaler cut him off. (Does this sound weirdly like the CIA vs. Castro to anyone else, by the way?)
In the end, nothing much happened, apparently because none of the witnesses were willing to stand in open court and give their findings on a dog's party tricks.
Having read all of this, I have but one question...in the photograph, is that dog wearing sunglasses?
Where do I even start?
Okay. The Soviets occupied Finland for a couple of years around the start of WWII, which sucked big-time for the Finns. Pretty much exhausted and really annoyed with the Russians by this time, Finland allowed the Nazis to occupy part of their country, until they realized that Nazis were actually really bad dudes, and put their cooperation pact through the cross-cut shredder a couple times.
MEANWHILE, a pharmaceutical company owner (Tor Borg) apparently had a dog who had a habit of raising its paw in the air, in what looked like to a few sun-starved Finns to be the Sig Heil salute. His wife nicknamed the dog Hitler; hilarity ensued. The Chancellory caught wind of this dog via some of their handy spies, and weren't too happy. They dispatched some more diplomats to find the dog and figure out just what was going on. All of this was very seriously reported via a series of cables - including a plot to destroy Borg's pharmaceutical company by having his wholesaler cut him off. (Does this sound weirdly like the CIA vs. Castro to anyone else, by the way?)
In the end, nothing much happened, apparently because none of the witnesses were willing to stand in open court and give their findings on a dog's party tricks.
Having read all of this, I have but one question...in the photograph, is that dog wearing sunglasses?
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
THIS DISPLEASES ME.
Julian Assange is a terrorist.
No, he doesn't even deserve the name "terrorist". He's a sulky little boy, a thug, a back-alley blackmailer.
"Listen up, world. Do what I want, or there's going to be a lot of trouble!"
He distributed the entire, uncensored, WikiLeaks file to tens of thousands of people, with only an encryption key preventing those people from actually accessing the material. However, he says, should he be brought to trial for any of his assorted crimes, he'll reveal the encryption key, millions of pages of classified documents will be freely available, and diplomatic relations between every country in the world are all going to hell.
Assange claims he's using the WikiLeaks key as an "insurance policy". He also said, likely in the same breath, that he'll release this "thermonuclear device" if his demands aren't met.
Now, I'm all for government clarity and transparency, but these documents aren't just financial records and self-congratulatory Post-it notes transferred between Cabinet ministers over their latest tax-dollar rip-off - among hundreds of thousands of pages of sensitive material, there are classified military documents in that package, including information about current service members currently serving in missions across the globe. How can anyone justify releasing that kind of information all over the Internet? What kind of a monster decides that his escape from justice means that men and women who volunteered their lives to fight or keep peace overseas now get to have their troop positions and battle plans dished out to any private citizen with a CPU and a modem?!
And, here's the kicker - Assange isn't just trying to escape a rap for sedition or treason or whatever else you get charged with when you are a MAJOR ASSHOLE - he's trying to get out of rape charges - yes, he's using his status as founder and protector of WikiLeaks to avoid going to jail for sexually assaulting women, which is not only utterly heinous but also a crime totally unrelated to him publishing tons of really important government shit.
When someone hauls this idiot out of the Swedish woods, feel free to bring him on over to my place and I'll drop him with an M15 carbine - thanks to WikiLeaks, I'll know where to pick one up from my friendly local armed forces personnel!
No, he doesn't even deserve the name "terrorist". He's a sulky little boy, a thug, a back-alley blackmailer.
"Listen up, world. Do what I want, or there's going to be a lot of trouble!"
He distributed the entire, uncensored, WikiLeaks file to tens of thousands of people, with only an encryption key preventing those people from actually accessing the material. However, he says, should he be brought to trial for any of his assorted crimes, he'll reveal the encryption key, millions of pages of classified documents will be freely available, and diplomatic relations between every country in the world are all going to hell.
Assange claims he's using the WikiLeaks key as an "insurance policy". He also said, likely in the same breath, that he'll release this "thermonuclear device" if his demands aren't met.
Now, I'm all for government clarity and transparency, but these documents aren't just financial records and self-congratulatory Post-it notes transferred between Cabinet ministers over their latest tax-dollar rip-off - among hundreds of thousands of pages of sensitive material, there are classified military documents in that package, including information about current service members currently serving in missions across the globe. How can anyone justify releasing that kind of information all over the Internet? What kind of a monster decides that his escape from justice means that men and women who volunteered their lives to fight or keep peace overseas now get to have their troop positions and battle plans dished out to any private citizen with a CPU and a modem?!
And, here's the kicker - Assange isn't just trying to escape a rap for sedition or treason or whatever else you get charged with when you are a MAJOR ASSHOLE - he's trying to get out of rape charges - yes, he's using his status as founder and protector of WikiLeaks to avoid going to jail for sexually assaulting women, which is not only utterly heinous but also a crime totally unrelated to him publishing tons of really important government shit.
When someone hauls this idiot out of the Swedish woods, feel free to bring him on over to my place and I'll drop him with an M15 carbine - thanks to WikiLeaks, I'll know where to pick one up from my friendly local armed forces personnel!
Saturday, 4 December 2010
DEAR AMERICA:
IF YOU BANNED HANDGUNS, THINGS LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN IN YOUR COUNTRY TOO
There is very little explanation needed here - a man killed his father. In a library. With a crossbow.
Yes.
There is very little explanation needed here - a man killed his father. In a library. With a crossbow.
Yes.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
G&M EXPLODES WITH RIDICULOUS
DENSITY (EXCUSE ME WHILE I GEEK OUT)
Neat density-related facts I have discovered this month:
1) When diet and non-diet soft drinks are placed together in a bucket of ice-water for the purpose of keeping them cool, the sugar in the non-diet drinks increases their density enough that they sink, while diet drinks float near the top.
2) In my 50-pack of Halloween candy (thank you, November 1st!), a natural resettling of the candy bar contents moved most of the high-density, rice-crisp-based Mr. Big bars towards the top of the box, while the denser, nougat- or caramel-based Wunderbar and Caramilk bars moved towards the bottom.
NANOWRIMO
For those not in the know of quirky literary events, NaNoWriMo is an international event where participants strive to write a 50,000-word novel during the month of November. Naturally, once a thing is around long enough, people start being assholes about it.
NaNoWriMo has been accused of being everything from self-indulgent to an affront to real literature to a useless expenditure of time.
At its heart, NaNoWriMo is about doing something huge, something that people often say they'd like to do "some day", and saying, Why not today? Why not do something big and fun that scares you a little? It's about shaking off the chains of needing perfection right from the start, and finding the fun in a tough, but not insurmountable, challenge. Yes, maybe your final product shouldn't ever see the light of day, but it isn't about creating publishable material or degrading literature with one month's worth of low-quality output. It isn't really about the destination, about the 50,000 words at all. It's about doing something, doing anything, without being crippled by fear or perfectionism or even procrastination. NaNo doesn't make you a better writer, it makes you a better person. So to criticize NaNo for producing hastily-written, unpolished manuscripts is completely besides the point.
THIS IS NOT HOW LIBEL WORKS
Ontario PC caucus leader Tim Hudak accused a Liberal minister of tweeting statements that were both libelous and unworthy of a cabinet minister, and demanded a public apology or the minister's resignation. First of all, judging by the list of words and phrases that are banned from further use in the House of Commons, I don't see how this particular statement is somehow "beneath the role of a cabinet minister". Secondly, I distinctly remember learning in Grade 11 Law that the one group of people who could not accuse others of libel were elected politicians. This is a pretty neat amendment when you consider that it prevents us from going to jail for criticizing the government's policies or calling the prime minister a buckethead. So, no matter how offended Hudak may have felt by being lumped in with Harper and Rob Ford in the "trifecta of republican-style, right wing ignorance and bigotry", he has no recourse to call anything libelous, no matter from which side of the House it emanates.
BREAKING INTERNATIONAL LAW IS TOTALLY JOKES, GUYS
The lawyer representing an Asian youth who disguised himself as an elderly white man in order to board a flight from Hong Kong to Canada called the Canadian Border Services Agency "negligent" for releasing photos of his client in and out of the mask, and demanded a media publication ban on the photos in order to protect his client's privacy. Privacy? If you want privacy, how about next time you don't violate international law by impersonating someone else on a flight to Vancouver! Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about a Globe reader recognizing him - the majority of the people who read this newspaper undoubtedly think all Asians look the same.
PEDOPHILES
Amazon.com is being slammed by the public for allowing a self-published e-book geared towards helping pedophiles stay within the law to be available through its website. At first glance, this seems like a no-brainer - a how-to guide for pedophiles doesn't belong on the market. But look a little deeper, and again, we butt up against the issue of harm reduction vs. standing on principle. Yes, the rape and molestation of children is abhorrent. But it continues to this day despite legislation against it. This book seems not to be so much focused on how to evade police, but on safe forms of release for people whose sexual preference falls on minors - i.e. forms that do not actually involve the touching or molestation of a child! We have a choice - continue to stick to the principle that pedophilia is wrong, or accept that, despite its wrongness, pedophilia continues to exist, and that a book that helps pedophiles find other ways of handling their feelings without actually harming children might be a worthwhile product. There is such a thing as dangerous information...but this isn't it.
Neat density-related facts I have discovered this month:
1) When diet and non-diet soft drinks are placed together in a bucket of ice-water for the purpose of keeping them cool, the sugar in the non-diet drinks increases their density enough that they sink, while diet drinks float near the top.
2) In my 50-pack of Halloween candy (thank you, November 1st!), a natural resettling of the candy bar contents moved most of the high-density, rice-crisp-based Mr. Big bars towards the top of the box, while the denser, nougat- or caramel-based Wunderbar and Caramilk bars moved towards the bottom.
NANOWRIMO
For those not in the know of quirky literary events, NaNoWriMo is an international event where participants strive to write a 50,000-word novel during the month of November. Naturally, once a thing is around long enough, people start being assholes about it.
NaNoWriMo has been accused of being everything from self-indulgent to an affront to real literature to a useless expenditure of time.
At its heart, NaNoWriMo is about doing something huge, something that people often say they'd like to do "some day", and saying, Why not today? Why not do something big and fun that scares you a little? It's about shaking off the chains of needing perfection right from the start, and finding the fun in a tough, but not insurmountable, challenge. Yes, maybe your final product shouldn't ever see the light of day, but it isn't about creating publishable material or degrading literature with one month's worth of low-quality output. It isn't really about the destination, about the 50,000 words at all. It's about doing something, doing anything, without being crippled by fear or perfectionism or even procrastination. NaNo doesn't make you a better writer, it makes you a better person. So to criticize NaNo for producing hastily-written, unpolished manuscripts is completely besides the point.
THIS IS NOT HOW LIBEL WORKS
Ontario PC caucus leader Tim Hudak accused a Liberal minister of tweeting statements that were both libelous and unworthy of a cabinet minister, and demanded a public apology or the minister's resignation. First of all, judging by the list of words and phrases that are banned from further use in the House of Commons, I don't see how this particular statement is somehow "beneath the role of a cabinet minister". Secondly, I distinctly remember learning in Grade 11 Law that the one group of people who could not accuse others of libel were elected politicians. This is a pretty neat amendment when you consider that it prevents us from going to jail for criticizing the government's policies or calling the prime minister a buckethead. So, no matter how offended Hudak may have felt by being lumped in with Harper and Rob Ford in the "trifecta of republican-style, right wing ignorance and bigotry", he has no recourse to call anything libelous, no matter from which side of the House it emanates.
BREAKING INTERNATIONAL LAW IS TOTALLY JOKES, GUYS
The lawyer representing an Asian youth who disguised himself as an elderly white man in order to board a flight from Hong Kong to Canada called the Canadian Border Services Agency "negligent" for releasing photos of his client in and out of the mask, and demanded a media publication ban on the photos in order to protect his client's privacy. Privacy? If you want privacy, how about next time you don't violate international law by impersonating someone else on a flight to Vancouver! Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about a Globe reader recognizing him - the majority of the people who read this newspaper undoubtedly think all Asians look the same.
PEDOPHILES
Amazon.com is being slammed by the public for allowing a self-published e-book geared towards helping pedophiles stay within the law to be available through its website. At first glance, this seems like a no-brainer - a how-to guide for pedophiles doesn't belong on the market. But look a little deeper, and again, we butt up against the issue of harm reduction vs. standing on principle. Yes, the rape and molestation of children is abhorrent. But it continues to this day despite legislation against it. This book seems not to be so much focused on how to evade police, but on safe forms of release for people whose sexual preference falls on minors - i.e. forms that do not actually involve the touching or molestation of a child! We have a choice - continue to stick to the principle that pedophilia is wrong, or accept that, despite its wrongness, pedophilia continues to exist, and that a book that helps pedophiles find other ways of handling their feelings without actually harming children might be a worthwhile product. There is such a thing as dangerous information...but this isn't it.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
EVERYONE NEEDS TO MOVE TO BRAZIL
The tagline for this article by G&M writer Chris Frey:
"Tiririca (or Grumpy) the clown wins big with Brazilian voters on campaign of ‘Vote Tiririca! It can’t get any worse,’ but may be brought down by alleged illiteracy."
There is nothing else I can say. I would like to applaud the nation, the clown, and this writer, for reminding us all that truth is by far stranger than fiction.
The tagline for this article by G&M writer Chris Frey:
"Tiririca (or Grumpy) the clown wins big with Brazilian voters on campaign of ‘Vote Tiririca! It can’t get any worse,’ but may be brought down by alleged illiteracy."
There is nothing else I can say. I would like to applaud the nation, the clown, and this writer, for reminding us all that truth is by far stranger than fiction.
Thursday, 9 September 2010
BRITISH SCIENTISTS SECRETLY HATE THE ENGLISH TOO
Britain. What are you people smoking over there, and where can I get some?!
Apparently, some British scientists are recommending that single servings of cholesterol-lowering drugs called statins be given to fast-food customers along with their extra-value-double-up-big-whatever meal, in order to offset the damage done to the heart by eating food high in fat and cholesterol.
OK, I already dislike statins because I believe they give people the impression that they can just take a pill instead of making productive changes to their lifestyle in order to improve their health. Well, guess what? When you hand someone a statin with their Big Mac, you're not just giving an impression - you might as well hand out leaflets that say, "Stay on the couch! Eat Big Macs every day! Do not take the dog for a nice long walk - these pills will save you!"
And the worst part is, they won't. High LDL cholesterol is but one warning sign for heart problems - others include obesity, inactivity, and high blood pressure. Obesity and inactivity feed off each other, and tend to be supported by a diet rich in Chicken McNuggets and extra-large Cokes. High blood pressure is very commonly due to overconsumption of sodium - i.e., that stuff they sprinkle on your fries. Since dispensing statins along with SuperSize burgers only give the false impression that eating fast-food is okay, I can only assume that these scientists are actually secretly attempting to kill off much of the British population.
One more problem - the article states that statins cost "about the same as a packet of ketchup". Oh yeah? Then why the hell are some of my customers at the pharmacy paying ninety dollars a prescription for Lipitor?! Or is it only multi-national fast food conglomerates that get the special discount price?
RAT TAIL THE WORK OF EVIL POLITICAL OPPONENT...PROBABLY
NDP House Leader Mike Farnworth found a rat tail on his doorstep on Tuesday. He understood that a disgruntled opposition member was trying to send him a pointed message the night before a meeting that would have the NDP tabling a citizens' petition to eliminate the HST. This would be extremely cool as far as Canadian politics goes. Unfortunately, after stirring up all of this fuss, Farnworth concedes it was probably - shockingly! - his cat who was responsible for the distasteful "present" on the doorstep. Clearly, Mr. Farnworth has never seen The Godfather. The still-warm, still-dripping severed head of your favourite racehorse left in your bed is a message. A rat tail is just a sign of a cat who hasn't been declawed.
OH CRAP
This article highlights one of the ways in which our country is incredibly special - somehow, a recent Nanos poll has managed to show bad news for the NDP, the Liberals, AND the Conservatives. Normally, bad news for one party (CONSERVATIVES DOWN 20% - HARPER IS APPARENTLY A 'PUNK-ASS LOSER') means an uptick in popularity (aka "good news") for the others. How can a poll result be bad for every major party? I have no idea...except I sense we're going to be speaking a lot more French around here in the future.
Britain. What are you people smoking over there, and where can I get some?!
Apparently, some British scientists are recommending that single servings of cholesterol-lowering drugs called statins be given to fast-food customers along with their extra-value-double-up-big-whatever meal, in order to offset the damage done to the heart by eating food high in fat and cholesterol.
OK, I already dislike statins because I believe they give people the impression that they can just take a pill instead of making productive changes to their lifestyle in order to improve their health. Well, guess what? When you hand someone a statin with their Big Mac, you're not just giving an impression - you might as well hand out leaflets that say, "Stay on the couch! Eat Big Macs every day! Do not take the dog for a nice long walk - these pills will save you!"
And the worst part is, they won't. High LDL cholesterol is but one warning sign for heart problems - others include obesity, inactivity, and high blood pressure. Obesity and inactivity feed off each other, and tend to be supported by a diet rich in Chicken McNuggets and extra-large Cokes. High blood pressure is very commonly due to overconsumption of sodium - i.e., that stuff they sprinkle on your fries. Since dispensing statins along with SuperSize burgers only give the false impression that eating fast-food is okay, I can only assume that these scientists are actually secretly attempting to kill off much of the British population.
One more problem - the article states that statins cost "about the same as a packet of ketchup". Oh yeah? Then why the hell are some of my customers at the pharmacy paying ninety dollars a prescription for Lipitor?! Or is it only multi-national fast food conglomerates that get the special discount price?
RAT TAIL THE WORK OF EVIL POLITICAL OPPONENT...PROBABLY
NDP House Leader Mike Farnworth found a rat tail on his doorstep on Tuesday. He understood that a disgruntled opposition member was trying to send him a pointed message the night before a meeting that would have the NDP tabling a citizens' petition to eliminate the HST. This would be extremely cool as far as Canadian politics goes. Unfortunately, after stirring up all of this fuss, Farnworth concedes it was probably - shockingly! - his cat who was responsible for the distasteful "present" on the doorstep. Clearly, Mr. Farnworth has never seen The Godfather. The still-warm, still-dripping severed head of your favourite racehorse left in your bed is a message. A rat tail is just a sign of a cat who hasn't been declawed.
OH CRAP
This article highlights one of the ways in which our country is incredibly special - somehow, a recent Nanos poll has managed to show bad news for the NDP, the Liberals, AND the Conservatives. Normally, bad news for one party (CONSERVATIVES DOWN 20% - HARPER IS APPARENTLY A 'PUNK-ASS LOSER') means an uptick in popularity (aka "good news") for the others. How can a poll result be bad for every major party? I have no idea...except I sense we're going to be speaking a lot more French around here in the future.
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