According to Wikipedia, the Divinyl's lovely, lovely song I Touch Myself is about masturbation.
No effing way!
Additionally, a recent discovery has been made by Democrats across the nation:
SARAH PALIN IS A GIRL!
This has just been an unbelievable day, folks. Unbelievable.
Friday, 31 October 2008
Friday, 24 October 2008
Shit I would do if I ran the place: Part one of a series
Screw you, Stephen.
I'm in charge now.
Imagine a beautiful world...one where I raised a standing army of over ten thousand people and stormed the capital. We ran amok on the Hill. We smashed busts of old dead guys. We defaced portraits. We littered. We were not very gentle with spines of the books in Library.
And then we knocked very politely on Stephen's door, very politely tied him up, and very politely dropped him out of the window.
Everybody else ran and screamed. My generals and lieutenants are now installed in the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court. And myself? I am in charge of this great nation. Please follow along with me over the next few weeks as I solve all of the world's problems, rise to ultimate conquest, and settle down in the French countryside with a flock of chickens and a high-speed Internet connection.
PROBLEM ONE: WE NEED MORE DOCTORS
This may sound crazy, but I'm going to HIRE MORE DOCTORS. How? By making sure that more doctors come out of medical school. Currently, only about one in twenty applicants to Canadian medical schools are accepted. Just lowering that number to one in eighteen or one in seventeen will give no drop in quality but give us an extra few hundred prospective doctors per year. You can't increase output without increasing input.
And, this may also sound crazy, but I'm going to LET PEOPLE WHO ARE DOCTORS BE DOCTORS. As Number 2 put it during House's mad selection process in Season Four, "Schools in my country suffer from not being from this country".
Doctors train all over the world. No one who wants to practice medicine here was trained in Igor's basement lab. They have REAL DEGREES from REAL SCHOOLS. Sure, maybe they need some training to get them acclimated to Canadian health care priorities and exactly how our system works, but they shouldn't need to be driving taxis for four years while they are retaught about the common cold. Training of immigrant doctors will be done on a rotation basis by the chiefs of medicine at major hospitals across the country, and it will take three months. Not three years.
LOOK! C'EST MAGIC! FAMILY DOCTORS FOR EVERYONE! AND WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SUBSIDIZE THEIR EDUCATION BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL HERE!
PROBLEM TWO: THE BRITISH IN NORTHERN IRELAND
I know I'm just the prime minister. But seriously. Everyone will listen to me.
Listen up, British individuals. The reason you are in Ireland is because one of your people stirred up shit during the Jacobean era. Seventeen eras later, you're still hanging around. I know there's been peace talks and truces and ceasefires and whatever, but let's not forget that just two decades ago, people were bombing the shit out of each other on account of this centuries-old war. This is a tenuous peace at best, and you know what? Continually occupying Ireland isn't making anyone any happier. So scram. Pack up, move on back to the Motherland, where you can be hailed as a hero who kept those drunken Irish from progressing towards freedom or unity.
Your family has been there for decades, you say? Generations, even? That's fine. Stay there. Write the Irish citizenship test, become a functional member of society, and for heaven's sake, PUT THAT DAMN GUN AWAY.
I'm in charge now.
Imagine a beautiful world...one where I raised a standing army of over ten thousand people and stormed the capital. We ran amok on the Hill. We smashed busts of old dead guys. We defaced portraits. We littered. We were not very gentle with spines of the books in Library.
And then we knocked very politely on Stephen's door, very politely tied him up, and very politely dropped him out of the window.
Everybody else ran and screamed. My generals and lieutenants are now installed in the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court. And myself? I am in charge of this great nation. Please follow along with me over the next few weeks as I solve all of the world's problems, rise to ultimate conquest, and settle down in the French countryside with a flock of chickens and a high-speed Internet connection.
PROBLEM ONE: WE NEED MORE DOCTORS
This may sound crazy, but I'm going to HIRE MORE DOCTORS. How? By making sure that more doctors come out of medical school. Currently, only about one in twenty applicants to Canadian medical schools are accepted. Just lowering that number to one in eighteen or one in seventeen will give no drop in quality but give us an extra few hundred prospective doctors per year. You can't increase output without increasing input.
And, this may also sound crazy, but I'm going to LET PEOPLE WHO ARE DOCTORS BE DOCTORS. As Number 2 put it during House's mad selection process in Season Four, "Schools in my country suffer from not being from this country".
Doctors train all over the world. No one who wants to practice medicine here was trained in Igor's basement lab. They have REAL DEGREES from REAL SCHOOLS. Sure, maybe they need some training to get them acclimated to Canadian health care priorities and exactly how our system works, but they shouldn't need to be driving taxis for four years while they are retaught about the common cold. Training of immigrant doctors will be done on a rotation basis by the chiefs of medicine at major hospitals across the country, and it will take three months. Not three years.
LOOK! C'EST MAGIC! FAMILY DOCTORS FOR EVERYONE! AND WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO SUBSIDIZE THEIR EDUCATION BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL HERE!
PROBLEM TWO: THE BRITISH IN NORTHERN IRELAND
I know I'm just the prime minister. But seriously. Everyone will listen to me.
Listen up, British individuals. The reason you are in Ireland is because one of your people stirred up shit during the Jacobean era. Seventeen eras later, you're still hanging around. I know there's been peace talks and truces and ceasefires and whatever, but let's not forget that just two decades ago, people were bombing the shit out of each other on account of this centuries-old war. This is a tenuous peace at best, and you know what? Continually occupying Ireland isn't making anyone any happier. So scram. Pack up, move on back to the Motherland, where you can be hailed as a hero who kept those drunken Irish from progressing towards freedom or unity.
Your family has been there for decades, you say? Generations, even? That's fine. Stay there. Write the Irish citizenship test, become a functional member of society, and for heaven's sake, PUT THAT DAMN GUN AWAY.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
(A/N: Here, I'm going to use the word "snowflake" [or.: RYS --> see right link list if you have yet to experience the hilarity].)
Listen up, you little snowflakes.
I don't care if you don't feel like studying the twelve chapters left after midterms for your final exam.
I don't care if you don't feel like reading a chapter on your own.
I don't care if you think the professor should change the syllabus to suit your personal tastes or desires.
I don't care if you want to pass a class or get your degree without doing any work, because that's what you're asking for. You're trying to minimize the amount of work you have to do in this class by asking for all of these chapter reductions and lecture downsizings. And I'm done with you.
Listen up. You're here to learn. If you don't want to be here, just skip the class. Hell, drop the class. Doesn't matter to me. Get lost.
And you'd better not be the same little punks who, just last week, were whining to me because the teachers were "keeping you out of class" with their big, mean strike. You wanted to learn last week; why are you wasting my time now? Why are you disrupting the lecture you were so hot be in just seven days ago?
Put up or shut up, snowflakes, or somebody's gonna get smacked.
Listen up, you little snowflakes.
I don't care if you don't feel like studying the twelve chapters left after midterms for your final exam.
I don't care if you don't feel like reading a chapter on your own.
I don't care if you think the professor should change the syllabus to suit your personal tastes or desires.
I don't care if you want to pass a class or get your degree without doing any work, because that's what you're asking for. You're trying to minimize the amount of work you have to do in this class by asking for all of these chapter reductions and lecture downsizings. And I'm done with you.
Listen up. You're here to learn. If you don't want to be here, just skip the class. Hell, drop the class. Doesn't matter to me. Get lost.
And you'd better not be the same little punks who, just last week, were whining to me because the teachers were "keeping you out of class" with their big, mean strike. You wanted to learn last week; why are you wasting my time now? Why are you disrupting the lecture you were so hot be in just seven days ago?
Put up or shut up, snowflakes, or somebody's gonna get smacked.
Monday, 6 October 2008
Yeah, yeah. Strike's over. Whatever. I'd like to say I'm thrilled to be back in class, but I'm only sort of thrilled. One the one hand, it's nice to learn again. On the other hand, I still have to put up with the lovely fellow students in my department. On the third hand, which I recently had grafted to my body for just such an occasion, I was officially adopted into the School of Dramatic Arts yesterday. Aside from the fact that their acronym is SODA, my new department is super cool.
Today's frustrations:
1. Google does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with my Vivitar camera flash?"
2. My Vivitar camera flash does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with you?". Additionally, it does not respond well to shaking or threats of violence, either.
ETA:
Because I am a mad fantastic genius (or at least passably bright), I fixed my flash. I used ketchup to strip the corrosion off the contact plate, and voila.
And your mother told you condiments were only for eating...
Today's frustrations:
1. Google does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with my Vivitar camera flash?"
2. My Vivitar camera flash does not respond well to natural-language queries such as "What the hell is wrong with you?". Additionally, it does not respond well to shaking or threats of violence, either.
ETA:
Because I am a mad fantastic genius (or at least passably bright), I fixed my flash. I used ketchup to strip the corrosion off the contact plate, and voila.
And your mother told you condiments were only for eating...
Thursday, 25 September 2008
So.
At my school, the University of Windsor, the faculty have been on strike for a week now.
The Windsor University Faculty Association (WUFA) is striking for a number of things that I don't wish to discuss because I've discussed them and heard them discussed ad nauseum for what feels like the past seventeen thousand years.
Basically, sessionals are getting paid dirt, the admin is trying to claw back benefits, and lots of people are being all-around jerks.
Well, listen up, everyone.
I support WUFA, I will support WUFA till the day I die, and I don't have to justify my decision to you. Yes, I'm out there every day picketing with the faculty, and until you've done the same, shut up and don't whine to me about how bad the strike is.
NEXT. The administration insists that WUFA isn't willing to bargain. WUFA insists that the administration isn't willing to bargain. Admin says WUFA is lying, WUFA tells me the admin is lying. Listen, I know BOTH of you are lying to me, and I'm sick of it! I don't care WHO is lying by this point, just shut up and get back to the bargaining table! That's right, sit your asses down and bargain. We can't get any closer to resolving anything if you AREN'T BARGAINING.
ADMIN: You guys are being pretty serious a-holes, you know? Listen, you spent all of yesterday insisting that your top-secret board meeting was in camera, so that nobody else could listen in on your discussion. And yet? This morning apparently you were ready to have people know what you were doing, because you PUBLISHED YOUR NEW PROPOSAL IN THE EFFING WINDSOR STAR. Were you confused? Did you forget that you were supposed to be bargaining with WUFA, not with the mass media? Did you press the wrong button on your speed dial? Again, I don't give a damn. Just shut up, stop the media shenanigans, and get your asses in that bargaining room.
AND: Stop telling me nobody wants to be on strike. I KNOW nobody wants to be on strike. Given a choice between picketing in the hot sun for three hours a day and spending those three hours in a classroom with a captive audience talking about a subject you love, what person--what human being--would choose the former? Enough with the platitudes, let's see some action.
DEAR IDIOTS who keep driving by in their cars and yelling "Get back to work!" at us: SHUT UP. Do you honestly think that, if ending the strike was as simple as going back to the classrooms and teaching, we'd still be standing here A WEEK LATER? Yeah, that's right. So shut up and just keep driving. None of these faculty who have been scraping by on strike pay and picketing for hours need to hear you being a loudmouth idiot.
ON A SIDE NOTE, the admin seem to be pretty good at operating a business under capitalism. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is they are really lousy at running a school. Let's do some math:
FACULTY + STUDENTS = INSTITUTION OF HIGHER LEARNING
SCHOOL - FACULTY - STUDENTS = BUNCH OF EMPTY BUILDINGS.
Admin, you guys are smart, because you're experiencing a deficit and you've decided to push the burden of recovering from that deficit onto your employees. That's good and deplorable business sense. Too bad you forgot who your employees ARE. They are not just your average unionized slackers cluttering up the office. They are teachers. They are the people on whom this university is founded. They are the people who improve the reputation of this university. They are the people who bring in the money and the research grants that you guys seem to love so much. So why the hell would you try and make up your deficit off their backs? This sounds like a bad plan to me.
FINALLY: I am going to punch the next person who complains about how long the strike is lasting. Shooting off your big mouth about it isn't doing ANYTHING. You want to help resolve the strike? Get out on the picket line. Hold a sign, bake cookies, support the teachers. This isn't exactly sunshine and buttercups for them, either. Don't blame the strike on the faculty. They can't cross the picket line, because that would completely undermine the purpose of the collective bargaining unit. They're on strike because the admin left them no other choice, so shut up.
If you support WUFA, show it. If not, I don't care. Just get out of my face.
At my school, the University of Windsor, the faculty have been on strike for a week now.
The Windsor University Faculty Association (WUFA) is striking for a number of things that I don't wish to discuss because I've discussed them and heard them discussed ad nauseum for what feels like the past seventeen thousand years.
Basically, sessionals are getting paid dirt, the admin is trying to claw back benefits, and lots of people are being all-around jerks.
Well, listen up, everyone.
I support WUFA, I will support WUFA till the day I die, and I don't have to justify my decision to you. Yes, I'm out there every day picketing with the faculty, and until you've done the same, shut up and don't whine to me about how bad the strike is.
NEXT. The administration insists that WUFA isn't willing to bargain. WUFA insists that the administration isn't willing to bargain. Admin says WUFA is lying, WUFA tells me the admin is lying. Listen, I know BOTH of you are lying to me, and I'm sick of it! I don't care WHO is lying by this point, just shut up and get back to the bargaining table! That's right, sit your asses down and bargain. We can't get any closer to resolving anything if you AREN'T BARGAINING.
ADMIN: You guys are being pretty serious a-holes, you know? Listen, you spent all of yesterday insisting that your top-secret board meeting was in camera, so that nobody else could listen in on your discussion. And yet? This morning apparently you were ready to have people know what you were doing, because you PUBLISHED YOUR NEW PROPOSAL IN THE EFFING WINDSOR STAR. Were you confused? Did you forget that you were supposed to be bargaining with WUFA, not with the mass media? Did you press the wrong button on your speed dial? Again, I don't give a damn. Just shut up, stop the media shenanigans, and get your asses in that bargaining room.
AND: Stop telling me nobody wants to be on strike. I KNOW nobody wants to be on strike. Given a choice between picketing in the hot sun for three hours a day and spending those three hours in a classroom with a captive audience talking about a subject you love, what person--what human being--would choose the former? Enough with the platitudes, let's see some action.
DEAR IDIOTS who keep driving by in their cars and yelling "Get back to work!" at us: SHUT UP. Do you honestly think that, if ending the strike was as simple as going back to the classrooms and teaching, we'd still be standing here A WEEK LATER? Yeah, that's right. So shut up and just keep driving. None of these faculty who have been scraping by on strike pay and picketing for hours need to hear you being a loudmouth idiot.
ON A SIDE NOTE, the admin seem to be pretty good at operating a business under capitalism. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is they are really lousy at running a school. Let's do some math:
FACULTY + STUDENTS = INSTITUTION OF HIGHER LEARNING
SCHOOL - FACULTY - STUDENTS = BUNCH OF EMPTY BUILDINGS.
Admin, you guys are smart, because you're experiencing a deficit and you've decided to push the burden of recovering from that deficit onto your employees. That's good and deplorable business sense. Too bad you forgot who your employees ARE. They are not just your average unionized slackers cluttering up the office. They are teachers. They are the people on whom this university is founded. They are the people who improve the reputation of this university. They are the people who bring in the money and the research grants that you guys seem to love so much. So why the hell would you try and make up your deficit off their backs? This sounds like a bad plan to me.
FINALLY: I am going to punch the next person who complains about how long the strike is lasting. Shooting off your big mouth about it isn't doing ANYTHING. You want to help resolve the strike? Get out on the picket line. Hold a sign, bake cookies, support the teachers. This isn't exactly sunshine and buttercups for them, either. Don't blame the strike on the faculty. They can't cross the picket line, because that would completely undermine the purpose of the collective bargaining unit. They're on strike because the admin left them no other choice, so shut up.
If you support WUFA, show it. If not, I don't care. Just get out of my face.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
THIS JUST IN:
CRAZY news, everyone. According to this excellent piece of research, when you drink a lot, you are more likely to have unsafe sex.
Can you believe this? When you have five or more drinks of ALCOHOL, a DRUG that lowers your INHIBITIONS and sense of RESPONSIBILITY, you are more likely to forget to remind your lovebunny of your cardinal rule: "No glove, no love"! Who knew?!?
This is groundbreaking stuff, people. GROUNDBREAKING. DO YOU FEEL THE GROUND CRUMBLING BENEATH YOUR FEET?
Can you believe this? When you have five or more drinks of ALCOHOL, a DRUG that lowers your INHIBITIONS and sense of RESPONSIBILITY, you are more likely to forget to remind your lovebunny of your cardinal rule: "No glove, no love"! Who knew?!?
This is groundbreaking stuff, people. GROUNDBREAKING. DO YOU FEEL THE GROUND CRUMBLING BENEATH YOUR FEET?
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Nicely played, Novak
This lady is FANTASTIC:
See?
"To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! From now on, could you please just send money, Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead. And I promise, I will NOT be forwarding any of that to 10 friends."
See?
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